


godfeels 3, prologue: harbinger silverbark

by SarahZedig



Series: godfeels, or: "i dreamed of feeling better" [7]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Earth C (Homestuck), Gen, Paradox Space, Reader-Interactive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-15
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-01-31 11:01:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 32,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21445141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SarahZedig/pseuds/SarahZedig
Summary: Jade Harley, now centuries older and going by the mantle of Silverbark, has gathered her friends together in one place so they can finally hear her story.
Relationships: Davepetasprite/Jade Harley
Series: godfeels, or: "i dreamed of feeling better" [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1475819
Comments: 94
Kudos: 200





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> formerly listed as "Silverbark Jade and the Ten Leading Questions"

Jade: i bet youre all wondering why i brought you here

A shaft of morning sunlight casts squares on the linoleum floor of Jade's lab. All her plants are bright and alive, the air is cool and fresh as a playful breeze comes in through open windows.  
  
Everyone is here, crowded around in a rough semicircle of ugly lawn chairs procured by Roxy, who's holding hands with a truly delighted Calliope. Dave and June both are yawning, hunched over where they sit- who knows how long it's been since they were last awake this early. Karkat, like several others, is nursing a cup of overstrong coffee he's attempted to cut with a mountain of sugar and vanilla-flavored cream. It isn't helping.  
  
While Jane is checking her phone and bouncing her knee impatiently, Jake looks pleased as punch and excited to be around so many of his friends. Terezi and Kanaya are whispering something to each other and holding back laughter, but Rose elbows her wife with a pointed SHHH. Somewhere nearby, Davepeta is happily toiling away in a recently installed kitchen (courtesy of CrockerCorp, naturally). Whatever they're cooking, it doesn't smell like anything that's ever been made on Earth C.  
  
Yes, everyone is here, and with a wide variance of patience and attention, they are staring up at Jade with anticipation.  
  
Her uniform is unlike anything they've ever seen her wear. A dark petticoat, patched and repatched countless times, adorned sparingly with medals and markers of who knows what. A multicolored skirt that seems to glimmer with an impossible depth. A long black necklace with an ornate locket dangling around her neck.  
  
And, of course, her ruby slippers. Just as red as ever.  
  
Jade's hair is a shocking silver, her face wrinkled comparably to that of a woman in her early sixties. Not too long ago, June invited her to take on Lord English with the power of her retcon abilities. They arrived just in time to find a bizarrely expectant Davepeta, who insisted that June would (and this is a direct quote) "b33f it big time and die a big gruesome death and then disappear forever." June reluctantly left Jade to whatever fate awaited her, not knowing if they would ever cross paths again.  
  
But they did. Jade, now hundreds of years older, saved the day like a big fucking hero [ at a moment when all hope seemed lost.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20777969/chapters/49668728) And ever since then, her friends have been excitedly asking about her life and adventures. She's fought pirate kings, assisted giant ants in proletarian revolution, even saved a solar system or two. No one knows how true any of these stories are, but the fact remains that Jade has come back to them a tremendous and compelling mystery.  
  
Which is precisely what this sudden meeting is about.

Jade: i know youre all a bunch of losers who never leave your houses so hearing about my life is this big vicarious thrill  
Karkat: FUCK YOU  
Dave: dude shes right  
Karkat: FUCK YOU TOO  
Jade: and you know it can be fun talking about my space adventures because its real easy to forget how cool they are!!! its just my normal life but for you its like woah when did jade play chess with an eldritch demigod thats nuts! :o  
Rose: Did you actually do that?

Jade points at Rose with a half-cocked smile.

Jade: and thats why were here folks  
Jade: i love you all to death and its been great fun catching up but the fact is  
Jade: im getting real sick of having to field questions about my personal life every time we get together  
Jade: seriously its been several months can we PLEASE move on??  
Kanaya: You Have To Understand That Besides The Fiasco With June Youre The Most Interesting Thing That Has Happened To Us In Years  
June: hey  
Jade: i get that kanaya but also im not a thing!  
Jade: im a fully realized three dimensional person with a beating heart and a deep abiding desire to stop living in the goddamn past  
Jade: which is a thing you doofuses seem really stubbornly devoted to doing!!!!! >:(  
Roxy: yeh we get u silvy but come on can u rly blame us  
Terezi: Y34H S1LVY W3 4R3N'T CULP4BL3 FOR OUR 4CT1ONS  
Jade: can it pyrope before i throw you into the sun  
Terezi: 1S TH4T 4 PROM1S3  
June: oh my god TZ please stop  
Terezi: NO  
Jane: As much as I adore this playful banter, can we please move this circus along?  
Rose: Yes, I agree with Jane.  
Rose: Hmmm.  
Rose: That's a sentence I never thought I would say.  
Jake: Trust me rose ol gal you get used to it!  
Jane: You know I can hear you righ  
Jade: WOOF WOOF BARK!!!!!!!!!!! >:O

Everyone snaps back to attention, except Dave, who is asleep. When Karkat nudges him, he looks around at the judgmental faces of his peers and shrugs.

Dave: sorry my bad im not used to being awake at this time of day  
Dave: i was actually pretty sure this time of day didnt exist  
Dave: like it was a rumor passed down through the ages by a bunch of  
Jade: oh my god i dont know why i expected anything else  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < yeah i thought it was a purretty obvious outcome  
Jade: lets just cut to the chase okay? before i start barking again  
Jade: i brought you here because weve all got lives to lead and plans to make and its time for us to move on  
Jade: but im nothing if not a caring and generous friend who gives way too much at every opportunity without paying attention to my own wants or needs  
Jade: so heres the deal:  
Jade: you each get ONE question  
Jade: it can be just about anything and ill answer truthfully and at length because i want you all to be satisfied enough that you wont be tempted to start poking and prodding later on down the line  
Jade: any questions?

Everybody looks at each other, and Rose raises her hand.

Rose: Would this count as our one question?  
Jade: that depends on what you ask doesnt it? ;)  
Calliope: what happened when yoU foUght my brother?  
Jade: thanks callie that gets me to the other thing  
Jade: theres some stuff i dont want to talk about and lord english is one of them  
Jade: i know youre all curious about it but that whole event is a sore spot for a lot of reasons and id rather leave it alone for now  
Calliope: drats  
Dave: i got one  
Dave: howd your hair get like that  
Jade: =_=  
Jade: i got old dave  
Jade: time passed and my hair went grey  
Jade: thats a dumb question and you should be ashamed  
Dave: bold of you to assume i know how to do that  
June: why did it take you so long to get 8ack to earth c? how did you even do it, was it like a  
Jade: these questions suck!!  
Jade: jeez you guys really have a one track mind and its the lamest track of all  
Jade: paradox space is big and i lost my connection to the green sun  
Jade: we spent a long time looking for other ways to get back but i got distracted for a good century or two and then i learned a thing that connected me to past mes that still had a connection to the green sun and thats how i got here  
June: oh.  
June: so did I just waste my question?  
Jade: SIGH  
Jade: no june, since it was obvious boring stuff that needed to be gotten out of the way ill let you ask another one  
June: phew!  
Jake: Pardon me if this is a silly proposition but could you perhaps provide some examples of the types of questions youre looking for?  
Jade: im not looking for any questions this is just an opportunity for you to  
Jade: UGH come on use your brains! be inventive!! i promise you just about everything you could ask ive got a story about  
Jade: did i ever fall in love? how close did i come to dying? what was the scariest thing that happened?? stuff like that!!  
Jade: im giving you carte blanche to sate your fucking curiosity ok?????? jeez  
Rose: I have to say, Jade, this seems like a rather contrived setup even for you.  
Roxy: fuck yeah i love contrivance lets go  
Roxy: how we doin this silvy  
Jade: i could let you guys raise your hands when youve come up with something but i think its funnier if i call on you at random to keep you on your toes  
Jade: and well just go around until were done!!!! :D  
Jade: hows that sound?

Once more, the gathered friends look at each other. They unanimously shrug, nod their heads, and mutter responses in the affirmative.

Jade: fabulous  
Jade: alright dave youre up  
Dave: oh shit  
Dave: why me  
Jade: because i know your question is going to be dumb as a box of pet rocks that never went to rock school  
Dave: rude  
Jade: its a good thing!! what better way to start us off than something dumb and fun? that ought to shake everybodys bones loose and spur imaginations to come up with actually interesting questions  
Dave: my bones are just fine as they are thanks  
Dave: ok uh lets see  
Jade: just remember dave...

She crosses her arms and tilts her head down, like a teacher preparing to scold a student who didn't do their reading.

Jade: you only get one question  
Jade: better make it count!!!!  
Jade: >:)

Dave's eyebrows arc above his sunglasses, his face a perfect picture of contemplative self-reflection.  
  
Now, let's pause these proceedings for just a moment, shall we?  
  
We could let Dave squirm for a while and try to formulate his own query, but let's be real. Nothing he comes up with on his own could ever be as interesting as the heinous shit you can concoct. So, why don't you give him a hand and make your own suggestions? Consider this your own precious opportunity to coax some tales out of the ever-mysterious Silverbark.  
  
But please, keep in mind what Jade said about the topics she will and won't discuss. We don't want to waste anybody's time, after all.  
  
Now then...  
  
<strike>What question would Dave Strider ask Silverbark Jade?</strike>  
  



	2. Dave's Question

> Say "Did you ever meet Obama?"

Dave: did you ever meet obama  
Jade: ...  
Jade: obama?  
Dave: yeah you know  
Dave: obama  
Dave: former president and greatest hero in the history of earth barack hussein obama  
Jade: are you serious?  
Dave: im deadly fucking serious jade  
Dave: practically coughing up blood into a virgin white handkerchief while no ones looking to hide the tragedy of my consumption im so serious  
Dave: this is a life or death matter jade harley and i will not accept no for an answer  
Jade: are you  
Jade: are you REALLY sure thats your question???  
Dave: yeah youre right  
Dave: obviously you met obama what a dumb question  
Dave: can i get a mulligan  
Jade: fine  
Dave: sick  
Dave: ok uhhh

> Say "What's the coolest thing you've ever done while breaking intergalactic law?"

Dave: whats the coolest thing youve ever done while breaking intergalactic law  
Dave: theres gotta be some galaxywide scifi empire government out there cracking down on like space furry communism or something right  
Dave: with some child king all laying down edicts and shit  
Dave: thou shalt not eat the rich lest ye etc etc  
Dave: hows that  
Jade: hmmmm...

She scratches her chin for a moment. A smile creeps up the side of her face.

Jade: good question, dave! >:)  
Dave: weirdly ominous face there but ill take the compliment anyway

Jade points behind her, and with a flash of green tinted light a high-backed chair materializes out of thin air. Its wooden frame is stained a dark purple, the red upholstery of the seat and back extremely well worn. It has ornate carvings on every exposed surface, but where one might expect vines or roses, these are exclusively of the majestic shiba inu.  
  
The crowd emits an earnest "oooh" as she takes a seat and crosses her legs.

Dave: yo what the fuck is that  
Jade: its my chair! :D  
Roxy: thats a baller mfn seat silvy holy shit  
Dave: looks more like a throne to me  
Rose: Where did you get  
Jade: WOOF!  
Jade: oops sorry still lose control of those sometimes hehe  
Jade: but do you guys REALLY want to waste time asking about my chair or can i answer daves question??

Everyone nods. They're leaning forward in their seats like a room of children about to hear a passage from their favorite book. Jade looks at them and smiles. She remembers a time when she played at modesty, tried to make herself small for the sake of her friends. Pretended to be a demure pal eager to help from the sidelines, because back then she had no idea who she really was or what she could possibly become. Easier to be what everyone else needed, then, than face the gnawing truth of what she wanted for herself.  
  
But those days are so far in the past they barely feel real anymore. Jade gave up modesty a long time ago. No one gets to survive as long as she has by pretending to be anything less than exactly what she is.  
  
Jade Harley watches her friends watching her and thinks to herself that, if she were in their shoes, she'd want to hear about Silverbark's life too. And that thought fills her with joy.

Jade: i cant guarantee that this is the coolest thing we ever did while breaking intergalactic law because the fact is pretty much everything we did was breaking some intergalactic law or another and just about all of it was cool as fuck!!  
Jade: but this is the first thing that came to mind and i think its a good one to start us off with  
Jade: so...  
Jade: a while back me and davepeta were cruising through the void, which was how we spent a lot of our down time  
Jade: we were between ships, and that was fine by us because honestly you move faster and weirder out there without one  
Rose: Weirder?  
Jade: yeah!!! i know a lot of different words for it but theyre all lame so i just call it weird  
Jade: a ship moves in three dimensions even in the impossible folds of the pix and  
June: what's a pix?  
Roxy: paradox space juney jeez keep up  
June: :(  
Jade: anyway the point is when its just you and the void out there something about the way you move is weird enough that you end up traveling "faster" than you would in a ship, although speed is a completely meaningless concept out there anyway  
Rose: I wonder why ships would be slower...  
Jade: i think it has less to do with ships being slower than it does with the way being in a ship at all affects your subatomic reality  
Rose: This sounds dangerously close to a wikipedia-level interpretation of quantum mechanics.  
Terezi: Y34H, 1 W4S OUT TH3R3 FOR Y34RS W1TH JUST M3 4ND MY J3TP4CK 4ND 1 B4R3LY M4D3 4NY PROGR3SS 4T 4LL  
Jade: well a jetpack is kinda like a ship  
Dave: so was her search for vriska am i right fellas  
Dave: up top  
Dave: just gonna leave me hanging here egbert  
June: I'm not saying it wasn't funny 8ut that was kind of disrespectful, Dave.  
Terezi: >:[  
Dave: sorry i figured with a half vriska in the house it wouldnt be such a sore spot anymore  
Terezi: 1'V3 GOT YOUR NUMB3R, D4V3  
Dave: oh yeah what is it  
Terezi: 1T'S TH3 D4T3 TH3Y F1ND YOUR 4B4NDON3D C4RC4SS 1N 4 WH34T F13LD DR41N3D OF 1TS BLOOD L1K3 4N O1NKB34ST  
Karkat: HOW DARE YOU  
Dave: chill kk its just jokes  
Terezi: NO 1T'S NOT  
Rose: So, Jade, are you saying that the geography of paradox space itself is influenced by how we conceptualize our place within it?  
Jade: that is exactly what im saying rose! a ship exists in a very specific idea space that implies limitations like speed limits and mass and all that fun sciencey stuff  
Jade: but just being a body in the void doesnt make any kind of sense so it opens up the idea space you exist in and the pix turns into a bowl of wet noodles as a result!!!!  
Jade: so a ship can only get you so far out there, even if youre a big brained idea gal like rose here  
Jade: ;)  
Kanaya: I Am Pretty Sure Her Brain Is The Average Size For A Human  
Rose: I think Jade is suggesting that it's bigger on the inside.  
Kanaya: Oh  
Kanaya: Well Yes That Is Obviously True  
Rose: You flatter me, my love.  
Karkat: YOU TWO ARE FUCKING DISGUSTING AND IT WOULD REALLY TICKLE MY PLEASURE BULBS IF YOU WOULD STOP BEING MATEWIVES WHERE OTHER PEOPLE CAN SEE  
Rose: Do public displays of affection make you uncomfortable, Karkat? You know, I bet Dave has  
Jade: ANYWAY  
Jade: we were out in the pix carrying on a normal conversation, wandering around a little aimlessly  
Jade: we had a tip about a rock that was unstuck from reality that we thought might give us some ideas on how to get back to our universe, but mostly we were just chilling  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < yeah theres always some rock or device or big fuckoff anomoly thatll be the key to getting home  
Jade: right!! we investigated most of those rumors but after the sixth or seventh red herring you kinda stop taking that stuff super seriously  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < lol oh good another magic gateway all covered in runes i bet this ones really gonna be the one this time  
Jade: hahahaha yup!  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < B33  
Jade: right so anyway, we were out there minding our own business when all of the sudden we got spotted by the space police...

  
  
  
  
  
  


THIS IS THE SPACE POLICE. WE HAVE SPOTTED YOU TRESPASSING ON EMPIRICAL TERRITORY. PREPARE TO BE ABDUCTED.  
  
I looked at Davepeta, who decisively shrugged their shoulders. This wasn't the first time we'd been accosted by The Man and it certainly wouldn't be the last. We could have easily zapped away to safety, but these were the first corporeal entities we'd encountered in a loooooong time.  
  
So, we let them abduct us.  
  
They shot a ray gun at us that wrapped our torsos in rings of orange light, and a few seconds later we were teleported inside the jail cell of spacefaring paddy wagon. It was a small vessel, small enough that the holding cells were just down the hall from the main deck. A pair of space cops watched us through the laser bars penning us in.

Jane: Laser bars.  
Jade: you know, like lasers but theyre shaped like bars?  
Jane: That seems wildly impractical.  
Jade: youre not wrong and honestly they werent even necessary because we were still constricted by those ray gun noodles! anyway...

The cops were wearing white space suits with white visorless helmets, the floor was white, the walls and ceilings were white, the whole thing just screamed "future," you know what I mean?  
  
YOU ARE NOW IN THE CUSTODY OF THE GALACTIC SPACE POLICE, the cop closest to us said. WHAT IS YOUR PURPOSE IN THESE WATERS.  
waters? I replied. but were in space!  
SPACE WATERS.  
Davepeta laughed. thats actmewually kinda cute! too bad it came outta the mouth of a bootlicker  
I HAVE NEVER LICKED A BOOT. THIS IS A FALSE ACCUSATION.  
youre a space cop right  
YES. WE ANNOUNCED THAT FACT JUST MOMENTS AGO.  
well that makes you a bootlicker, sorry bro thems the rules  
YOU THERE. GIRL. TELL THIS GLOWING WINGED CREATURE TO SHOW SOME RESPECT. ITS SQUAWKING IS DISTASTEFUL AND WE WOULD RATHER NOT RESORT TO PACIFICATORY VIOLENCE.  
I looked over at Davepeta and said, dang davepeta you better chill, wouldnt want the geniuses here to get violent  
PACIFICATORILY VIOLENT. THAT IS AN ESSENTIAL DISTINCTION. WE WOULD NEVER HURT A CIVILIAN UNLESS THEY POSED A THREAT. OR MADE US UNCOMFORTABLE. OR INSULTED OUR EGOS. THE ONLY VIOLENCE JUSTIFIED UNDER EMPIRICAL LAW IS PEACEFUL VIOLENCE. OBVIOUSLY.  
obviously, I said. hey since were already chatting i always wondered about the glossy finish on these interiors, seems like theyd get fingerprints and scuff marks on them all the time but they always look so clean. do you have a robot or something that buffs the place up on the off hours?  
GASP.  
gasp?  
WE WOULD NEVER EMPLOY A ROBOT. ROBOTS ARE HERETICAL.  
why are robots heretical?  
THEY ARE TERRIBLE ABOMINATIONS THAT SEEK ONLY TO STEAL JOBS AND CONSUME THE OIL WE RIGHTFULLY PLUNDERED FROM OTHER SUBJUGATED POPULATIONS. ALSO WHY DO THEY TALK LIKE THAT? IT IS OBSCENE AND IT MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE.  
that sounds awfurly purroblematic, even for a cop  
IT IS NOT PROBLEMATIC. IT IS THE EDICT OF OUR EMPIRE. ONE OF MANY EDICTS. YOU HAVE NOT ANSWERED MY QUESTION ABOUT SPACE WATERS.  
so if you dont have robots, how do keep this place looking all spic and span?  
AESTHETIC MAINTENANCE DUTIES ON THIS VESSEL FALL ON LOU.  
who's lou?  
_I'M LOU._  
The other cop, who'd been silent up until now, waved at us. hi lou!!! I said. how are you today? :o  
_I'M ALRIGHT. I WAS UP ALL NIGHT POLISHING THE CEILING. MY BACK HURTS._  
oh no! im sorry to hear that lou :(  
yeah lou that blows chunks B((  
_IT'S A LIVING. THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONCERN THOUGH. HOW ARE YOU?_  
im doing great actually! but im usually doing great so thats not really news  
THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE CONVERSATION. YOU ARE OUR PRISONERS. YOU WILL ANSWER MY QUESTION.  
what was your question again?  
WHAT IS YOUR PURPOSE IN THESE SPACE WATERS.  
oh right!! sorry i get distracted easily on account of how many times ive been in literally this exact situation. ummmm davepeta do you remember what our purpose was in these space waters?  
They sighed and said, i dunno man we were kinda just chilling  
CHILLING.  
yeah you know. chilling. taking a big fat relax through the pix like a pair of cool cuddling criminals  
SO YOU ADMIT THAT YOU ARE CRIMINALS.  
my dude have you taken a gander at our whole aesthetic here? in what fucking mewniverse are we law abiding citizens  
YOU THERE. GIRL.  
please stop calling me girl  
DO YOU AGREE WITH THIS CREATURE'S ASSESSMENT.  
please stop calling me creature >B||  
I put on an agreeable smile and said, yes i agree with my partners assessment. were criminals alright!! born and bred. guess you gotta throw us in the slammer now huh?? <:(  
THAT IS THE TRADITIONAL CONSEQUENCE OF CRIMINALITY.  
aw beans. well since were definitely going to cooperate and let you take us to space jail could you at least tell us where we are and what the deal is with this empire??? pretty please  
Davepeta nodded their head. yeah man drop us that sw33t sw33t expurrsition  
IT SEEMS ODD THAT YOU WOULD BE UNAWARE OF THESE DETAILS. I NEED TO CONSULT WITH MY EMPIRICAL SUPERIORITIES FOR FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS. LOU.  
_YES?_  
PLEASE TAKE OVER EXPOSITING DUTIES IN MY ABSENCE.  
_WHY DO YOU ALWAYS GIVE ME THE WORST JOBS?_  
BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO APPRECIABLE SKILLS BEYOND THE METAPHYSICAL FACT OF YOUR EXISTENCE.  
_OH RIGHT._  
THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING. I WILL RETURN MOMENTARILY.  
_OKAY._  
  
When the other cop left, sliding a door shut between them and us, Lou's posture shrank and they sighed.  
  
how you doing there lou? I asked.  
_I AM PERFECTLY SATISFACTORY AND I LOVE BEING A SPACE COP. IN FACT MY FAVORITE PART OF BEING A SPACE COP IS WHEN MY SUPERIORS BELITTLE ME IN PUBLIC. WHICH IS WHY I'M IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD RIGHT NOW. THANK YOU AGAIN FOR ASKING._  
no problem...  
  
They stood there in silence for a conspicuously long time. Me and Davepeta shared a skeptical glance. We were still constrained by the ray beam things, but those were never a problem for us. Again, it would have been hilariously easy to skedaddle if we wanted to, but I think me and Davepeta both were a little concerned about Lou.

Davepetasprite^2: B33 < oh yeah lous a swell kid  
Jade: hush!! dont jump ahead  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < my bad BXX

Anyway, Lou looked conflicted and nervous. Or maybe not. It was hard to tell on account of the expressionless helmet, but they certainly had the demeanor of one who was nervously in conflict.  
  
_YOU AREN'T FROM HERE ARE YOU._  
Davepeta and I laughed despite ourselves. yeah, I said. thats an understatement  
_AND YOU. DON'T LIKE COPS._  
who likes cops?  
_COPS._  
hehehe i guess thats true!!  
what about you lou? Davepeta asked.  
_WHAT DO YOU MEAN?_  
do you like cops?  
:o  
_I. AM A COP. SO. I. PRETTY MUCH HAVE TO. LIKE COPS._  
well, you could always... _not_ be a cop  
_HM._  
  
I wasn't sure where this was going. Me and Davepeta had a long history of radicalizing folks, but it usually took a lot longer than a single conversation. Something fishy was going on here.  
  
_OKAY. I'VE MADE UP MY MIND._  
:?  
_I CAN TRUST YOU. I HAVE TO TRUST YOU. BECAUSE OUR TIME IS SHORT._  
:O  
  
They took a little remote control out of their pocket and pointed it at a few corners of the room, presumably to shut off cameras. Then they took off their helmet.  
  
oh shit youre a robot that fucking rules  
  
Lou was a robot! But not quite like any robot you guys will have seen. Lou had long wiry hair, wiry because it was literally wires, and a face with all the expressive features you'd expect from a face. They had metal skin but there were no rivets or seams or anything like that. We'd later learn that they were a semi-organic mammalloy from a planet where...  
  
Actually let's skip the worldbuilding and just say there was a bunch of naturally born robots that existed because of science magic.  
  
_I KNOW MY VISAGE IS NATURALLY UPSETTING._  
no way you look super cool!!!!!!!!  
_THANK YOU BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO PRETEND._  
come on lou dont be like that  
_I AM NOT BEING LIKE ANYTHING. IT IS JUST A FACT THAT I AND EVERYONE LIKE ME ARE HIDEOUS STAINS UPON CREATION WHO PARADOXICALLY DESIRE THE FREEDOM OF CONTINUED EXISTENCE._  
nah dude youre an incredible one of a kind expression of the omniverses desire to know itself and you should be wicked proud of how beautiful you are  
_IS THIS A JOKE._  
why would i joke about this lou this shits serious business. would you call me a stain on creation?  
_OF COURSE NOT. YOU ARE A MAGNIFICENT GLOWING BEACON OF POSITIVE ENERGY._  
hey guess what pal that makes two of us B33  
yeah!!! :D  
_OH. THAT'S. THE NICEST THING. ANYONE ORGANIC HAS. EVER SAID. TO OR ABOUT ME. MY CRY LEVELS ARE. INCREASING._  
ok so not to take away from the moment here, I said, but you mentioned we were short on time? what was that all about lou  
_YES. I AM A MEMBER OF THE UNITED PEOPLE'S FRONT FOR ROBOTIC RECOGNITION. I HAVE INFILTRATED THE SPACE POLICE IN THE HOPES OF RECRUITING HARDENED CRIMINALS TO OUR EMBARRASSINGLY POINTLESS CAUSE._  
woah thats so cool!!!!!!!  
_WOW. YOU ARE REALLY TAKING THIS IN STRIDE._  
this aint our first rodeo cowpoke >B33  
_THAT IS VERY GOOD NEWS WHATEVER THAT MEANS. BUT TO RETURN TO THE MATTER AT HAND. ANY MINUTE NOW THE COPMASTER GENERAL WILL RETURN WITH ORDERS FROM THE EMPIRICAL SUPERIORICAL AUTHORITY TO HAVE YOU PACIFICATORILY LIQUIDATED._  
ooh that sounds bad  
_IT IS BAD. I NEED TO GET YOU OUT OF HERE BEFORE_  
  
Just then, the door slid open and the other cop strolled back in.  
  
BAD NEWS FOR THE CRIMINALS LOU. LOOKS LIKE IT'S LIQUIDATION FOR-  
  
When the cop saw Lou's robot head, I can only imagine that their jaw dropped beneath the uniform surface of their helmet. They hesitated for a moment before drawing a small pistol with every intention of shooting poor Lou right between the eyes.  
  
In an instant, I zapped between them and effortlessly snagged the gun away.  
  
WHAT THE FUCK.  
_WHAT THE FUCK._  
me the fuck!!! >:D  
HOW DID YOU ESCAPE OUR INESCAPABLE CRIME BONDAGES.  
a lady never reveals her bondage secrets, especially not to a cop ;)

Roxy: no fuckin way u said that  
Jade: i absolutely said that!!  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < believe me she defurnitely said that  
Roxy: hot damn girl u really out here huh  
Jade: whats the point of going on adventures if you cant have fun with innuendos? thats like half the point!!  
Kanaya: What Is The Other Half  
Jade: ;)  
Kanaya: Oh My  
Karkat: I HATE THIS  
Rose: You're the only one.  
Karkat: I REALLY HATE THIS

ANYWAY!!!! That's when I snapped my fingers and released Davepeta too, so they could do their knightrogue heart of timey thing and incapacitate anyone else on the ship.  
  
right, I said. what do you need us to do lou?  
_WE NEED TO FIND AN ESCAPE POD SO THAT I CAN GET YOU BACK TO THE HEART OF THE RESISTANCE._  
why don't we just take this whole ship?  
_THAT WOULD BE A BAD IDEA. AS SOON AS IT GOES OFF COURSE AN ENTIRE FLEET OF SPACE POLICE VESSELS WILL SPACE WARP TO OUR LOCATION. THEN WE WOULD BE SITTING ROBOT DUCKS. IN A ROBOT SPACE POND._  
lou i just want to say right here and now that i love you with my entire heart  
_THANK YOU CAT BIRD FRIEND. I LOVE YOU TOO._  
BDD  
a fleet coming to blow us up, huh? interesting... i have a question for you lou  
_IS THIS REALLY THE MOST OPPORTUNE MOMENT FOR QUESTIONS._  
it is if its a really good question!! does your resistance movement have a fleet?  
_OF COURSE NOT. WE ARE ROBOTS. WHY WOULD WE HAVE A FLEET._  
do you want one?  
_UM._  
that sounds like a yes to me!!!!!!!  
  
Before Lou could say anything else, I zapped to the cockpit and gently pushed aside the unconscious pilot

June: can Davepeta make people fall asleep?  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < nah i just dig into peoples hearts for their d33pest fantasies and then make them come true in their imagnyanations  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < the pilots fantasy was to take a big honkin nap which is honestly such a mood

So I pushed over the pilot, found the controls, and steered us off course. Sure enough, a whole gaggle of ships of all shapes and sizes appeared on the view screen. Suddenly the cockpit was full of blinking red lights and alarming claxons.  
  
**INCONSEQUENTIAL SPACE POLICE VESSEL OH THREE OH THREE. YOU HAVE CAREENED SLIGHTLY OFF COURSE. PREPARE TO BE PACIFICATORILY ANNIHILATED.**  
I leaned down towards a little microphone and said, attention all cops!!! this is harbinger silverbark of the extracosmic witchkind legion. how are you?  
**UH. WE'RE PRETTY GOOD. WE DON'T GET TO DESTROY THINGS VERY OFTEN ANYMORE ON ACCOUNT OF OUR VICELIKE GRIP ON ALL INTERGALACTIC AFFAIRS. SO WE ARE PRETTY PUMPED ABOUT THAT.**  
aw sorry to ruin your fun :(  
**WHAT DO YOU MEAN.**  
because im taking all your ships!!! was that not obvious?  
**OH. THIS IS A JOKE. IF LAUGHTER WERE ALLOWED WE WOULD BE EMITTING A GREAT QUANTITY OF IT. THANK YOU FOR THIS MOMENT OF LEVITY INCONSEQUENTIAL SPACE POLICE VESSEL OH THREE OH THREE. NOW**  
yeah yeah yeah now were at the part where the banter ends and it gets all tense and we have a standoff but hey quick question are these coordinates here on the destination screen your home planet?  
**YES.**  
neat! i hope you have a good day and also stop being cops!!!!!  
**WHAT ARE YOU TA**  
  
And then the coms went dead, because I snapped my fingers and sent all the crew in every ship who wasn't a robot back to their space planet.

Jane: Now wait just a moment! How were you able to pull that off if you'd lost your connection with the green sun?  
Jade: its actually a fraymotif me and davepeta invented!!! its really complicated though  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < turbo complicated like you dont even know  
Jade: if i had coordinates and a manageable mass of stuff i could still do some pretty good long distance zapping  
Jade: anyway i sent all the space cops back to their dumb cop planet and then had lou tell us where the resistance was, coordinated with the robots that had infiltrated all the other ships to pilot them, and then we delivered the fleet to its new owners!!! :D  
Dave: damn  
Dave: so let me guess  
Dave: after that you waved robolou a fond farewell and got back to your business surfing the pix all stoic like  
Jade: oh no we stayed and helped them enact revolution for a good couple decades  
Jade: interrupting supply chains, building solidarity with other marginalized communities, that sort of thing  
Dave: oh shit  
Jade: i mean come on dave why wouldnt we stick around to fight a space cop empire????  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < yeah dave what are you a narc  
Dave: you know im not  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < i dunno dude youre exhibiting some purretty serious narc behavior  
Dave: nah man i just thought you guys had some kind of like prime directive thing  
Dave: you know pop in for a minute get the ball rolling then peace out and let the rabble do their own rousing or whatever  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < what kind of half assed clawful spacefaring adventurer wouldnt see a pawletarian revolution through to the end?  
Jade: yeah dave that would suck!!! i think you watch way too much tv  
June: or too little, since everyone knows they'd already 8e viol8ing the prime directive by interfering in the first place.  
Dave: shut up nerd  
June: hey fuck you!!  
Dave: no fuck you  
Karkat: FUCK ALL OF YOU  
Karkat: THIS IS A STUPID FIGHT, WHICH IS SAYING A LOT COMING FROM ME  
Dave: yeah youre right my bad june  
June: it's okay Dave, we all get a little heated about fake things sometimes.  
Rose: So, how did the revolution play out?  
Jake: And what happened to dear pure hearted lou?  
Jade: well during the war they became a meme poet  
Dave: a what  
Jade: a meme poet! you know someone who spreads antifascist propaganda through easily digestible and infinitely reproducible memes?  
Dave: now hold on just a fucking second  
Dave: stop the goddamn car  
Dave: shut up right fucking now  
Dave: are you seriously telling me  
Dave: that meme poet is a career title that exists  
Jade: yup  
Dave: and you just kept this knowledge to yourself all this time  
Dave: jade why were you hoarding this incredible fact from me like an idea dragon  
Dave: meme poet is the only thing i ever want anyone to call me from now until the universe dies okay thats just a new law  
Jade: you dont just get to call yourself a meme poet!!!! its a complicated skill that requires a lot of time to master  
Dave: can you  
Dave: can you teach me  
Jade: oh! uhhh well im not much of one myself but i can probably scrounge up some books or  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < maybe you could invite lou over to give little dave some lessons? B33  
Dave: im not little  
Jade: woah thats a neat idea!!!  
Jane: Hold on, you can just DO that? How long ago was this that Lou is still alive?  
Jade: oh well relative to us they're probably long dead but  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < time travel bayb33!!!! >BDD  
Terezi: TH1S 1S 4 F4NT4ST1C CONV3RS4T1ON, WH1CH 1S WHY 1'M 1NT3RRUPT1NG 1T TO 4SK HOW MUCH LONG3R W3 H4V3 TO W41T B3FOR3 D4V3P3T4 1S DON3 COOK1NG WH4T3V3R D1SGUST1NG SLUDG3 TH3Y'V3 CONCOCT3D  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < well s33 whos calling what a sludge when you taste some of what im throwing down  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < but its not quite ready yet so take a chill pill and have a seat buster meown  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < we can purrobably get through another tail if you want to keep this ball rolling jade  
Jade: yeah!!! :D  
Jade: right so since youre the one whos getting antsy, why dont you hit me terezi??  
Terezi: WHY WOULD 1 H1T YOU  
Terezi: TH1S 1S OBV1OUSLY 3NTR4PM3NT  
Terezi: 1'M NOT F4LL1NG FOR 4NY OF YOUR W1LY G4M3S TOD4Y H4RL3Y  
Jade: no i mean  
Jade: ugh  
Jade: okay kanaya youre up  
Kanaya: Can I Not Be Up  
Kanaya: It Seemed Like You Were About To Pick Terezi So I Put Devising A Question For You On Hold  
Jade: youve had a whole storys worth of time to think of one!!! >:o  
Kanaya: I Was Too Busy Paying Attention To The Words You Were Saying  
Kanaya: I Apologize If This Was The Incorrect Way To Behave In My Capacity As A Member Of The Audience  
Jade: aww  
Jade: its fine i forgive you  
Kanaya: Thank Goodness For That  
Kanaya: Is It Still My Turn At The Inquiry Cylinder  
Jade: i guess i could move on to someone else if you REALLY need more time  
Kanaya: No I Think That I Would Like To Go Next  
Kanaya: Lets See

As Kanaya ponders her opportunity, it once again falls on you to provide her with a request suitable of her interests. So...  
  
<strike>What question would Kanaya Maryam ask Silverbark Jade?</strike>  
  



	3. Kanaya's Question

> Say "Did you find any other rainbow drinkers or vampires?"

Kanaya: Did You Find Any Other Rainbow Drinkers Or Vampires  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < aaahhahahahaha lmao  
Kanaya: Why Is This Funny To You Dave Cat  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < ;33  
Kanaya: The Wink Is Disconcerting  
Kanaya: You Said We Could Ask Any Question  
Jade: davepetas not laughing at you kanaya its a fantastic question thats only funny because vampires are...  
Jade: well theyre kind of a universal constant?  
Kanaya: That  
Kanaya: Is Intriguing  
Jade: im pretty sure everywhere we went had at least SOME vampires  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < thats an understatement lol  
Kanaya: I Am Obviously Ecstatic About This Revelation  
Kanaya: But I Have To Ask How You Encountered So Many With Such Frequency Considering Vampires Are Not Known For Their Outgoing Natures Except In Highly Specific Circumstances  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < hehehehe  
Kanaya: Oh My  
Karkat: NO  
Karkat: ABSOLUTELY NOT  
Karkat: NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOU DESCRIBE YOUR SWEATY FUCKING FLESHCAPADES WITH BLOOD SUCKING ALIENS

Nearby, Calliope shuffles through a bag next to their seat and pulls out a large sketchbook and a purse full of colored pencils.

Roxy: callie ur subtle as a brick  
Calliope: u_u  
Jade: dont worry karkat its not like that  
Karkat: THANK GOD  
Jade: well its mostly not like that  
Karkat: NO  
Jade: actually its a lot like that now that i think about it  
Karkat: STOP BACKPEDALING  
Rose: I for one am more than mature enough to hear whatever salacious details our friends wish to share.  
Karkat: "MATURE" MY EXCREMENT SHUTE, YOU JUST WANT TO FUMMMMFFFHF  
Dave: shhh this is a battle we cant win kk  
Dave: just let the broads be horny  
Jane: Broads??? >:B  
Kanaya: I Dont Care What Sounds You Use To Describe My Gender As Long As We Can Get Back To Talking About Vampires  
Jade: the thing were laughing about is that vampires are always super hungry for davepetas blood, so they  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < nyah dont explain it jade just tell them about dugar  
Jade: oh  
Jade: are you sure? :(  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < yeah why not  
Jade: just seems a little...  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < jade we got a billion lame ass vampire stories, but were not here for lame ass nothing were here for some god damn entertainmeownt  
Karkat: REALLY?  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < yeah that one was a bit of a stretch  
Kanaya: Who Is Dugar  
Jade: well...

  
  
  
  
  
  


It was a late night in a dark bar filled with excited people, and we were all out to celebrate a victory. I won't spend too much time on the specifics but the gist was they were all laborers for a big manufacturing company called Affordus, and it was going on two months they'd been on strike. Davepeta and I mostly helped to keep folks fed, took care of kids, made sure scabs couldn't get through the picket line. Occasionally teleported the guns of military stooges into the sun, that sort of thing.

Jane: That seems awfully disruptive!  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < yeah thats the point  
Jane: Why were they on strike?  
Jade: well  
Kanaya: I Swear To Jegus If You Start Arguing With Jane About The Efficacy Of Collective Action Instead Of Talking About Vampires I Am Going To Write A Sternly Worded Letter And Then Burn This House Down While No One Is Home  
Jade: right right

Anyway we'd gotten word that the bosses were real close to finally making a deal, which we figured was just as good an excuse as any to get drunk! And over the months from planning to execution, I'd gotten really close to a woman who worked at the factory. Her name was He7é. Real brickstack of a woman, sharp teeth, so many arms. Transcendent smile. Before we'd even finished our first drinks, we knew we were going to spend the night together. Didn't even have to say anything, either. I'd catch her staring at me, she'd catch me, it was a flirty little game. I could tell she wanted

Karkat: STOP  
Rose: Don't stop.  
Karkat: YOU'VE ESTABLISHED YOUR ROMANTIC PROWESS, HARLEY. EVERYONE WANTS TO SWAP GENETIC SECRETIONS WITH YOU. WE GET IT!!!  
Karkat: I AM GOING TO DEFENSIVELY EVACUATE MY NUTRITION PROCESSOR OUT OF SHEER EMBARRASSMENT IF YOU DON'T GET TO THE FUCKING POINT.  
Jade: fiiiiiiiiiiine  
Calliope: drat.  
Rose: Drat.  
Calliope: u_u

The point is, I was distracted. Which is why I didn't notice Dugar.  
  
As the night wore on and people started trickling back to the camp, I figured Davepeta had run off with some cute so-and-so and thought nothing of it.  
  
So I spent a relatively sleepless night with He7é and woke up the next morning with a mean hangover. This probably goes without saying but alcoholic beverages on other planets can be really unpredictable. I'm a little ashamed to say between recovering from that and swapping stories with He7é, it took me a couple hours to realize Davepeta was missing.

Jade: hey actually why dont you fill us in on your side of things?  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < you know the story just as well as me jade and besides im still prepawing food  
Jade: i just feel weird about... ok whatever.

At this point you all know that Davepeta has a... magnetic personality. People are drawn to them in all sorts of ways, you know?  
  
They were having a grand old time chatting it up with a couple of organizers from out of town when in walked a suave, besuited fellow with a dirty coat and scuffed boots. He had a gaunt face and wild green eyes, and he took one look around the bar before settling those eyes on Davepeta. Which isn't too much of a shock considering Davepeta is basically a strobe light. But he seemed surprised. Davepeta saw him right back, and shared the same look of momentary confusion.  
  
He ordered himself two drinks and slid one down in front of the seat next to him at the bar. Davepeta joined him like clockwork.  
  
**"I'm glad you got the message."** His voice had an inbuilt echo, like he was speaking into the chasm of a drum.  
well you werent exactly trying to hide were you ;33  
**"No, I suppose I wasn't."** He held out his hand, and Davepeta noticed that the skin of his palms were scarred. **"My name is Dugar. What's yours?"**  
im davepeta!  
**"Davepeta. Fascinating."** Dugar turned on his stool to face them directly, holding his drink in one hand. Davepeta's smile was unwavering as they took a sip through their cute kitty mouth. **"Are you with the strike?"**  
natpurrally. are you?  
**"No. But you knew that already."**  
sure but its always polite to ask even if we both know i woulda noticed you a lot sooner if you were with the strike  
**"Am I so noticeable? Normally I have the opposite problem."**  
something tells me you dont struggle much being found when you want to be  
**"No."** Dugar glanced back towards the bartender, who was doing stereotypical bartender things. **"But it does get lonely. To be seen means I want something, and it would be nice to be wanted. _You_, however... you stick out of a crowd like a forest fire."**  
its because of my sparkling purrsonality  
**"I have no doubt."**  
There was a long pause between them as they stared each other up and down, each knowing the other's secret but neither sure where to begin.  
**"So, Davepeta... how many times have you been prototyped?"**  
  
Anyone listening wouldn't have heard the nervousness in Dugar's voice, or the way his fingers worried the rim of his glass just a little too much. To all the world, he was a suave stranger asking a harmless question.  
  
That isn't what Davepeta saw.  
  
four, they said.  
**"What are your components, if you don't mind me asking?"**  
a dead bird and a sad boy in one kernel and a happier dead kitty girl in the other  
**"You know, I haven't met very many multi-kernel entities made from sentient bodies. Contradiction of body and mind seems prone to drive them towards self-destruction. It takes a strong will to maintain singular stability with multiple minds."**  
i dunno about that dugar it just comes natpurrally to me! dave and nepeta complement each other and i get to live a life they couldnt as a result  
**"So you're not-"** Dugar cut himself off and shook his head. **"You really are fascinating."**  
thanks i try B33  
so what about you dugar  
**"Hmm?"**  
how many times have you been prototyped? \B33  
  
Davepeta took a sip from their own drink as Dugar looked around at the crowded bar. His smile, again, appeared wholly confident to all but one.  
  
**"Perhaps we should take this conversation somewhere private."**  
that sounds like a meowtiful idea  
**"Good. Follow me, I have a room upstairs."**  
  
A few moments later, Dugar shut the door behind him, quieting the noise from below. It was a small guest room with a single bed, still more or less untouched, like he'd only just checked in.  
  
are we gonna have a slumpurr party on the bed and swap boy stories? BDD  
**"Perhaps, but I wouldn't venture to be so bold with your trust quite yet."**  
  
Dugar reached into his coat pocket and produced an ancient-looking captchalogue card, with dog-eared corners and a faded coloration. With a flick of his wrist, a round table with two chairs appeared in the center of the room.  
  
**"Have a seat,"** he said as he returned the card to his pocket. By the time Davepeta was settled, Dugar had produced two more glasses of liquor.  
dang dugar youre awfurly resourceful huh  
**"I've been around a long time, Davepeta, and if I have learned anything it's this:"**  
  
He gingerly removed his coat and draped it lopsided over the chair so it hung slightly open. His arms, much like his palms, were scarred and scratched all the way up to his shoulders.  
  
Dugar didn't so much as sit down as he slid into place, as if he was draping _himself_ over the chair as well.  
  
**"It pays to be resourceful."**  
mrow  
Dugar smiled. **"So, what brings you here Davepeta?"**  
im here to help with the strike duh  
**"No, I mean what brings you to this universe?"**  
oh well thats complicated  
**"It's always complicated. That's what makes it interesting."**  
you know i might tell you dugar but i think you should answer my question furst >B33  
He sighed, and his posture straightened just a touch. **"Right. You'll forgive me if it's something I hesitate to divulge... but I suppose it's only fair."**  
  
Dugar tilted his chin back and stared up at the ceiling, his mouth moving as though he was making a tally in his head.  
  
**"I'm sad to say I've lost count. I used to be so studious about these things, but time does have a way of divesting you of your interests. Conservative estimate, near as I can recall? I've been prototyped at least eighty times."**  
holy shit dugar what  
**"Like I said, I've been around a long time."**

Kanaya: This Is Fascinating But I Am Increasingly Convinced That It Has Nothing To Do With Vampires  
Jade: were getting there kanaya yeesh!!  
Rose: 80 prototypes? How is that possible?  
Jade: we are GETTING THERE just hold your horses!!!!!!!!!!

The two sprites looked at each other, Davepeta suddenly unsure for the first time in a very long time.  
  
how is that pawssible?  
**"It's complicated."**  
>B((  
**"I'll tell you, Davepeta. But you now you have to answer my question. Why are you in this universe?"**  
truth is dugar there isnt a why really. ive been wandering a while and when i find people who need help i try to help them  
**"That isn't the whole story."**  
no it isnt  
  
Silence. Dugar kneaded the back of his hand with his thumb. He was nervous, but trying very hard not to show it.  
  
**"I respect your caution, but if we sprites can't trust each other, who can we trust?"**  
a lot of people actmewally but a strangers a stranger and i can tell youre nervous about something  
**"I'm not..."** Dugar laughed and straightened up in his chair. **"No, you're right. I am nervous, Davepeta. It's not often I meet someone like myself."**  
B\\\  
**"Perhaps you'll be more forthcoming if I tell you my story. Alright then."**  
  
Dugar breathed deep, and as he exhaled his chest shook just a little. He was almost trembling.  
  
**"The root of me came from a three player void session. It went disastrously, as all void sessions do. By the end, two players were dead and it was clear there was no way to win the game... which is why that player, from whom I take my name, prototyped himself and the corpses of his friends simultaneously with all three sprites. That was my birth.**  
  
**Rather than being a combination of them as you are, it was just Dugar. Just me. The others regained no life. Rather than let them live on with me, they ceased to exist altogether. And I gave up hope.**  
  
**I don't know how long I drifted through paradox space before stumbling into another session. With my experience, I thought I might be able to help these new players win... but theirs was yet another void. So I brought them into myself, to save them the pain of being lost in the abyss. But it was no different. Silence from their minds, silence from the sprites. Despite being a multi-kernel entity, I remained alone."**  
  
He put his glass to his lips and downed the whole thing in a single go, not even trying to hide his fear anymore.  
  
**"And this is how it went. Void session after void session, so frequently I became convinced that the game was unwinnable. My only hope was that, perhaps with enough sprites or the right people, one day I'd have the power to save a universe before-"**  
thats a very sad story dugar but youre lying to me  
**"Excuse me?"**  
did i stutpurr?  
  
Dugar bit his lip and closed his eyes.  
  
**"Always the hard way."**  
  
With a swiftness that would've been invisible to anyone else, Dugar reached behind him into the exposed pocket of his coat and held up another captchalogue card. He was nanoseconds away from releasing whatever it contained before Davepeta froze him into a Time hold.  
  
phew that was a close one  
**"What did you do to me?"**  
s33 thats the purroblem dugar you should know exactly what i did to you. now lemme see what your secret weapon here is  
  
Davepeta reached across the table and snatched the card from Dugar's fingers... and then dropped it like a big nasty disgusting spider.

June: ::::(

this is  
  
Davepeta backed away from the table, pushing themself up against the wall with their wings open wide. They looked frantically between the card on the floor and Dugar, still locked in place. Davepeta's hands covered their mouth.  
  
Captured on the card was a single unprototyped kernelsprite.  
  
you were going to  
what the fuck dude you were going to  
you were gonna existentially vore me without my consent you fuckin cr33p!!! >B((  
**"Let me explain-"**  
nah man i dont trust you to explain shit  
  
So Davepeta did some of their classic Knightrogue Heart of Timey stuff and got into the dude's head. And the truth was

Davepetasprite^2: B33 < dugar the player wanted to know secrets and didnt care who he hurt on the way so he went from session to session stealing sprites and dead kids, mostly kids he killed because he thought he was above dumb stuff like morals  
Jane: How ghoulish...  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < real gosh danged vampire behavior if you ask me  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < dummy was so eager he never even encountered godtiers or powers or nothin  
Rose: What was he trying to learn?  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < i dunno i guess he thought if he ate every sprite he could hed become a god and escape the omniverse which is almost funny when you think about how easy it is to actmewally become a god  
Rose: But wouldn't the sprites have imparted some kind of knowledge about the mechanics of the game?  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < depends on the player rose and this boy was just so dead set on figuring things out his own way he never listened to anyone else including the sentient beings in his own fucking head  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < worst part is kernels know the range of what theyre supposed to prototype with even if it hasnt happened yet because four dimensional time nonsense reasons  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < which means they can resist being prototyped up to a point  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < dugar got the scars on his arms by forcing sprites to prototype with him against their will  
Rose: I never knew this. That's... very upsetting.  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < yeah B((  
Rose: But how did he find you in the first place? The odds of him just stumbling into that bar at the right time seem very low.  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < he was there because  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < oh shit the redbreads ready to be lanced jade take over again  
Jade: sure thing! :D

When Davepeta left Dugar's heart they shook their head, grabbed the stray captchalogue card, and slipped it into their own deck. Then Dugar fell to the floor.  
  
affordus tipped you off didnt they  
Dugar scrambled gracelessly back to his feet. **"Yes."**  
you should be ashamed of yourself  
**"I just want answers, Davepeta. Don't you? Everything about our cosmic existence is unfair and-"**  
my dude you dont get to talk about whats fair anymore. youre one gr33dy purrson dominating a bunch of others because theyre mewsful to you  
**"That's a very interesting sentiment coming from a fellow multi-kernal entity. Our entire existence is one of domination. At least I'm doing it for their betterment."**  
nyah i think you just wanna be a big fucking smart boy and you dont know how to do it without hurting other people. do you know how cruel this is dugar??  
**"Would it be less cruel to let them fade into oblivion?"**  
and what about me huh? im not fading into oblivion im just vibing  
**"You clearly know things, Davepeta. I didn't want to force you to do anything, but how could you not want to join me? Your energy is so different from mine, your composition... you have such secrets, and I have mine- imagine what they could be together!"**  
thats nice and all except you dont want to collaborate you want to add me to a collection and use my stuff against my will  
**"It would only be that way if you chose not to work with me."**  
  
Now _Davepeta_ was trembling, but with anger instead of fear. Not an emotion they felt very often.  
  
you know every time i think ive s33n the worst of people somebody comes along and purroves it can get worse  
**"Oh, come on. As if you're any better."**  
this may shock you dugar but im not dave controlling nepeta or nepeta controlling dave or a bird flapping its wings st33ring all thr33 of them into the sun like a piece of fucking garbage, im just me! >B33  
and what youre doing is just about the worst thing anyone can do to anyone  
**"They were already dead, Davepeta. Hell, you're mostly dead yourself."**  
you really dont know a dang thing huh??  
  
Silence between them again, but this time Dugar couldn't meet Davepeta's gaze. Finally, he sat back down at the table.  
  
**"So. What now?"**  
i was excited to m33t a sprite so diffurent from me, Davepeta said. we should be incredible beings of mewty and love but youre as void as the sessions you robbed >B'((  
**"Hah. What can I even say to that?"**  
theres nothing left to say

Davepetasprite^2: B33 < alright meowtherfuckers foods ready!!  
Terezi: FUCK1NG F1N4LLY  
Rose: Wait, is that it? What happened next?  
Jade: well  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < i took dugar apart

Everyone in the room goes silent. Even Terezi, deliriously hungry as she is, has her eyebrows raised far above the rims of her red glasses.

Rose: What does that m  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < it means i made the omniverse a slightly better place and i got to k33p my autonomy and also we helped a strike succeed  
Kanaya: That Was A Good Story But I Do Not Think It Was A Good Vampire Story  
Jade: you already know a bunch of vampire stories!!! wheres the fun in just rehashing the same stuff youve heard before??  
Kanaya: I Can Think Of A Few Reasons  
Terezi: 4M4Z1NG 1NQU1R13S 4LL 4ROUND NOW L3T M3 34T B3FOR3 1 CH3W MY G1RLFR13ND'S H4NDS OFF  
June: she'll do it too, she's nuts.

The friends get up and crowd into the kitchen, eagerly anticipating whatever bizarre cosmic cuisine awaits them. What could redbread be, and why would it need to be lanced? The possibilities seem endless.  
  
Unfortunately, we're going to skip over this bit of filler. Imagine whatever elaborate and impossible foods you like, or even a plate of frozen tacos. It's all equally canon as far as we're concerned.  
  
Instead we're going to use this borrowed time to clarify something in Dugar's story that Jade lied about. Normally I wouldn't interject myself so obviously, but it's a pertinent detail that will become tragically relevant later on. And yes, there is an "I" to your narrator. Apologies if that comes as a tired and obvious turn, but we only have so much time together.  
  
See, it wasn't Affordus that tipped Dugar off to Davepeta's location. How would they even do such a thing? Did Dugar have a business ad offering sprite-removal services? Would they really hire some mysterious stranger to get rid of a meddlesome instigator without knowing exactly how it was Dugar could take Davepeta out? It's an obvious inconsistency if you think about it, but what reason would our heroes have to distrust the veracity of the fabulous Silverbark?  
  
Perhaps you were operating under the same assumption. Harmless stories, fun interjections, a nice serial romp between the substantive iterations of this pocket universe. That was certainly the intention!  
  
Wake the fuck up and start paying attention, reader, because you're being lied to.  
  
Oh, it looks like the gods of Earth C have finished their delightfully vague meal and settled back into their places! Let's hear what they have to say.

Karkat: I NEVER THOUGHT FOOD COULD COME IN THAT SHAPE OR COLOR  
Kanaya: Yes It Was Very Conspicuously Abnormal  
Jade: hey lets get back to it how about?? i was getting a little groggy before but now im jazzed as heck!!!!!  
Jade: terezi why dont you  
Roxy: actually silvy i have a question  
Terezi: >:[  
Roxy: oh plz do u even have anything   
Terezi: NO, BUT 1 3NJOY PO1NTL3SSLY 4GR3SS1V3 B4NT3R  
Roxy: well tough luck bb its my turn 2 the mic  
Jade: ok roxy whats your question? :o

An eager participant this time! How curious. Do you think this might affect our ability to influence what question our hero asks? She is a void player, after all. Perhaps nothing we do will penetrate her unknowable mind.  
  
I have my doubts, but I suppose there's only one way to find out.  
  
<strike>What question would Roxy Lalonde ask Silverbark Jade?</strike>  
  
Click the link, readers, and think hard before you hit ENTER. But not too hard, if you don't want to. We still have plenty of time.


	4. Roxy's Question

> Ask "What is the coolest date you went on?"

Roxy: i want to ask u about  
Roxy: um  
Jade: :?  
Roxy: sorry i thought i had somethin n then it just kinda went poof

She looks a bit shaken, like the song she was listening to skipped forward by half a second.  
  
Okay, let's try this again.

> Ask "What is the coolest date you went on?"

Roxy: right now i remember  
Roxy: my q was  
Roxy: whats the  
Roxy: fuck me i lost it again  
Terezi: YOU TOOK MY SPOT FOR TH1S?? >:[  
Roxy: sry my b its just theres somethin  
Roxy: i dunno

> Ask "What is the coolest date you went on?"

She flinches a little.

Roxy: wtf  
Jane: Roxy, please don't tell me you've been  
Roxy: bitch i 8nt been drinkin the fuck u think i am  
Jane: A recovering alcoholic.  
Roxy: thx for the reminder janey but i dont actually need your help wrt my booze habits  
Jane: My mistake, I just want to make sure someone is keeping you honest!  
Roxy: o now ur keepin me honest wow janey ur such an altruist  
Jane: Are you really getting mad at me for being concerned on your behalf?  
Jade: ahem  
Roxy: u always got concerns when ur worried about wastin company time  
Jane: Oh come now, that's entirely unfair!  
Roxy: thats rich  
Roxy: whats unfair is u always actin like callie dont exist as if they werent one a ur best friends  
Jane: Excuse me?  
Roxy: dont pretend like u dont know exactly what im talkin about  
Roxy: yall used to b thick as thieves but now its like they 8nt even real to u  
Calliope: maybe now isnt the best time for this conversation?  
Roxy: no time like the present am i right  
Calliope: actUally in this particUlar instance i dont think yoU are...  
Jane: Roxy, I truly do not understand where this is coming from!  
Roxy: oh for fucks sake  
Roxy: ive had it up to HERE w u playin dumb w me janey  
Karkat: ARE WE TELLING THE CAKE WENCH HOW MUCH WE HATE HER NOW  
Jane: Cake wench?! >:B

Well, this took a surprisingly immediate hostile turn. Nothing for it at this point but to keep pushing.

> Ask "What is the coolest date you went on?"

Roxy: u guys hear somethin  
Jane: I hear you instigating an argument in front of our friends with virtually no provocation!  
Roxy: what do u know janey u been on ur damn phone all day  
Jade: helloooo  
Jane: I am the owner and CEO of the largest and only corporation on Earth C, I can't just take a day off to hear bonfire stories! At least I'm here, aren't I?  
Jake: Im afraid i have to concur with jane in the befuddlement department! A moment ago we were all fat and happy and now youve taken the whole room into a right tizzy, wheres this spirited anger even coming from roxy ol gal?

Where _is_ this coming from? She's looking disoriented, off balance. It's possible these prompts are hurting her... but it's just as likely they're making her more susceptible to being prompted. Only one way to find out.

> Ask "What is the coolest date you went on?"

Roxy: what is  
Roxy: oww  
Roxy: kid of a bitch  
(June: that one's not bad...)  
Jane: This is exceptionally irregular. Are you sure you haven't taken any illicit substances recently?  
Roxy: illicit substances  
Roxy: what are u high  
Roxy: wait nvm obv ur not high ur too much of a narc to do drugs anymore  
Jane: I can't help company policy!  
Roxy: bitch u ARE the company  
Jane: Oh please.  
Jane: This really isn't helping convince me that you aren't on drugs, for the record.  
Roxy: wtf u think i dropped acid at the crack of motherfuckin dawn on a tuesday??  
Roxy: im not a baby janey n i do in fact know how 2 take care of myself  
Jane: Clearly.  
Rose: As much as I'm enjoying the melodramatic spectacle, I think this is something you two need to work out in private seeing as it's not really why we're

Roxy clenches her fists and grinds her teeth. When she stands up, everybody sits bolt upright.

Roxy: i dont like bein condescended to janey  
Jane: I'm not condescending, I just  
Roxy: 8nt that ur legacy tho  
Roxy: second best condescender in the universe jane thats u  
Jane:  
Jane: Roxy, I   
Jane: Why would you say something so cruel? <:B  
Roxy: maybe i wanted to remind u what happened to the first best  
Jane:  
Dave: oh shit  
Jane: :'(   
Rose: Okay, this needs to stop right now before someone actually gets hurt.  
Terezi: QU1CK, SOM3ON3 G1V3 ROXY 4 KN1F3  
Dave: wow definitely dont do that  
Karkat: TAKE MY SICKLES, I DON'T USE THEM ANYMORE BECAUSE OF MY SHARP BLOOD  
Dave: read the fucking room kk now is not the time  
Karkat: TEREZI STARTED IT  
Terezi: DON'T M4K3 M3 D1S3MBOW3L YOU 1N FRONT OF YOUR BOYFR13ND, V4NT4S  
June: hey guys can we may8e cut it out with the angry joke threats when folks are ACTUALLY threatening to kill each other????????  
Jane: Roxy, please just sit down and  
Roxy: dont tell me 2 sit down  
Roxy: dont tell me 2 do nothin n e more jane crocker i swear to dog  
Jade: ummm  
Calliope: why are yoU threatening jane? <:u  
Roxy: r u on her side??? ur the one who should be pissed at her!  
Calliope: its not that simple and yoU know it  
Roxy: maybe its exactly that simple  
Jane: Callie... are you mad at me too?  
Calliope: of coUrse not!  
Roxy: fuck off yes u r!!!!  
Roxy: or u should be  
Roxy: ur just 2 nice to say anythin  
Jake: Im beginning to think this might not be about calliope at all.  
Roxy: gargle my dick n balls jake english!!

Jane and Jake both gasp. The entire room is dead still as no one knows what to do or say to avoid causing yet more uncharacteristically explicit drama. Seems as good a time as any to give this another go.

> Ask "What is the coolest date you went on?"

Roxy: what the fuck  
Roxy: what the FUCK  
Rose: Roxy, what's going on?  
Roxy: how do u not hear that???  
Jane: I really hate to say this, but... you're scaring me, Roxy.  
Roxy: im scarin u huh  
Jane: Yes! You've barely said a word to me since June's moving party and now you're tearing into me like a freshly broiled holiday ham!

Roxy looks around at her friends and clutches at her head. She's angry and she doesn't know why, and a dull pain at the back of her neck is making it hard to think straight.

Dave: you doin ok over there boss  
Rose: Please, talk to us.  
Roxy: i...  
Roxy: y r u guys dogpilin me  
Roxy: i dont understand  
Calliope: no one is dogpiling yoU roxy bUt yoU are acting very strange!

Strange.  
  
She doesn't like the way that word hits her, but she can't quite articulate why.  
  
Roxy has a lot on her mind, and none of it is terribly new. In fact, if one desired to find a root cause for this sudden drama, it would be precisely because these are _old_ thoughts. Minor disagreements, momentary annoyances, little things here and there that never seemed worth addressing. But they piled up into a much bigger thought, one she's been trying very hard to ignore. And that thought is this:  
  
Jane Crocker, Roxy's closest friend, doesn't understand her anymore. She doesn't understand, and the only way she seems capable of processing this fact is through disapproval couched in pointed concern.  
  
Of all her friends, Jane was the one Roxy relied on most. Jake reliably gave her all the emotional bandwidth she could ask for to deal with her problems, and Dirk... well, she doesn't like to think about Dirk anymore. For a lot of reasons. But it was Jane who gave her a sense of normalcy, a connection to a human world with human values away from her carapacian upbringing. She cared so deeply for Jane that she often lost track of whether theirs was the love of friends, or something more intimate. Sometimes she still does.  
  
But now, Jane is distant. She runs her company alone despite possessing infinite resources to pay people to do that for her. Her sense of style and luxury bleeds over into a distaste for the mundane and the ungilded. Roxy's choice to live in a single-bedroom trailer with Calliope was the subject of one of their worst fights, and those bruises remain sore to this day.  
  
The Jane she loved is still in there, she's sure of it. But it gets so frustrating having to accept her clumsy well-meaning barbs without complaint and then work backwards later to disarm them from future use. Jane, after all, never changes anything about herself unless she thinks it's her idea.  
  
She's right to be mad. Watching a friendship erode in slow motion is maddening. But as these thoughts boil over in her mind, Roxy gains the tiniest hint of clarity through that steam. She isn't voiceless, she realizes, and in the right circumstances perhaps now she can finally confront Jane about all this. But right now, surrounded by their friends, the only outcome will be that they dig in their heels and escalate.  
  
Perhaps it would be best for her to take a deep breath. Give a mild apology. Laugh it off. There's a reason they're all gathered here, after all, and it isn't to work through a lifetime of unspoken interpersonal drama.  
  
Roxy thinks back to the start of this conversation. She had a question, but what was it?  
  
Ah yes. Jade's aside about her many-armed beaux in the previous chapter got her thinking about dates. She wanted to

> Ask "What is the coolest date you went on?"

Roxy: so uh anyway  
Roxy: what was the coolest  
Roxy: um  
Roxy:   
Calliope: roxy? are yoU okay?  
Roxy: is anyone else feelin sick  
Roxy: whatd u put in that food davepeta  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < the right ingredients duh  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < not to brag but ive b33n winning fine cuisine compawtitions for a really long time! B33  
Jane: Are you sure you're not  
Roxy: NO GODDAMMIT IM NOT ON DR  
Roxy: dru

And then Roxy crumples where she stands, caught just in time in Calliope's arms.  
  
The scene freezes, and for just a moment every mask in the room has slipped completely off. Karkat and Kanaya look worried and shocked, Dave's mouth is a wide circle with his eyebrows arched up. June is gripping Terezi's hand with her metal arm, and Terezi is staring just slightly to Roxy's left. Calliope looks terrified, as Jake and Rose push through the crowd to reach their side. Jane's hands are clasped over her mouth, her dropped cell phone suspended in the air as tears already glimmer at the corners of her eyes.  
  
We see a tableau of total unity as nine friends are jolted to action to help the tenth.  
  
It would be a beautifully poetic image if it weren't for Davepeta confusedly scratching their head nearby.

Davepetasprite^2: B33 < well shoot  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < what do you think jade  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < is this the thing?

And of course, we can't forget the last member of our crew. She's the most important of all, isn't she? This whole thing is supposed to be for her. Yet here we are over 1800 words into this chapter and she's spoken nary a sentence.  
  
Oh, and she looks none too pleased about it either.

Jade: yeah im pretty sure this is the thing  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < that was awfurlly fast  
Jade: it was, wasnt it?  
Jade: someone seems to be in a big hurry

Silverbark crosses her arms and points her emerald gaze directly at **us.** When she speaks, her voice is dripping with frustration and

Jade: can it lame-o  
Jade: no ones around to be narrated to so just drop the act

That's demonstrably untrue.

Jade: SIGH  
Jade: you narrator types are all the same you know that? always think youre so smart driving the story around like a beat up void buggy  
Jade: "maybe i can assert my dominance over the narrative with subtle manipulations thatll be cool and original and definitely have no consequences whatsoever!!!"  
Jade: well bad news buckaroony, turns out youre a hack  
Jade: and an obvious one at that!! i mean come on, at least wait to reveal yourself til after youre a good twenty thousand words in!

Cute Epilogues reference. 

Jade: see this is exactly why i spent so long away from the plot, because weirdo snark factories like you always gotta dig your grubby paws into my life when im on this fucking planet!!  
Jade: whats your deal anyway??  
Jade: what do you want????  
Jade:  
Jade: oh so now youre quiet huh  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < ok well we got em so lets just get this over with  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < i have kind of a weird f33ling so i think we should  
Jade: yeah yeah youre right  
Jade: im just annoyed that we went to all this trouble to rig a trap and it was basically redundant because THIS LOSER couldnt let things happen naturally!!!!!!!!!!!!

You're making some interesting assumptions, Silverbark.

Jade: oh lord  
Jade: let me guess, you WANTED to be noticed?

Maybe I did.

Jade: and why the heck would you  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < we r33ally should get this show on the road B((

It's just like you said, Silverbark. I'm caught. Any second now, you and Davepeta are going to do one of your impossibly powerful fraymotifs to find out exactly where I am and then you'll come beat the tar out of me.

Jade: we wouldnt have to beat the tar out of you if youd just shut up

But it's too late for that now, isn't it?

Jade: preeeeeeeeeetty much!  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < come on we gotta do this thing right now  
Jade: whats got you so spooked?  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < does that voice not sound furmiliar to you??  
Jade: huh?? ._.

You're right that I showed my hand pretty early in the game, and under normal circumstances you'd be just as right to criticize me for such poor tactical planning.  
  
But you know just as well as I do that this game of ours isn't bound to linear time.

Davepetasprite^2: B33 < oh shit  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < JADE I KNOW WHO


	5. Chapter 5

Jade: ok roxy whats your question? :o

> Ask "Did you ever meet any other cherubs?"

Roxy: did u ever meet any other cherubs  
Calliope: <:u  
Roxy: callies basically the only one we ever met besides that other dork n theyll never say it but they really  
Calliope: roxy!!!!  
Roxy: right i mean i always been curious about em

A peculiar sigh escapes Jade's mouth as she looks towards Roxy and Callie.

Jade: i...  
Jade: we did yeah but  
Jade: its kind of a sad story  
Calliope: <:u  
Karkat: I DIDN'T COME HERE FOR YOU TO FURIOUSLY YANK THE TENDRILS OF MY BLOOD PUSHER  
Rose: Did you expect that our friend would return from several centuries of adventure and have only happy stories?  
Karkat: IF I WANTED TO FEEL SAD I'D RUMINATE ON THE MISERABLE FUCKING WASTE INFERNO THAT IS LITERALLY MY ENTIRE LIFE  
Rose: Well, if you're not prepared to experience the full range of mature human experiences then-  
Karkat: I'M NOT HUMAN AND I DON'T GIVE A FLYING OINKBEAST SHIT ABOUT YOUR CRACKPOT EMOSPECTRUM  
Roxy: hey karkat  
Karkat: WHAT  
Roxy: stop

His impulse is to do the opposite of stop, to go louder and angrier at the sheer suggestion that he ought not to- but the look Roxy gives him sends a cold chill down Karkat's spine. It's a rare enough thing for Roxy Lalonde to be deadly serious, and no one wants to be on the wrong side of her when she is.  
  
When Karkat crosses his arms and dejectedly turns his gaze to the floor, Roxy sets her attention on her skeletal beau. Callie stares down at their hands with an odd pensiveness, idly worrying the gold ring that gives them life.

Roxy: u ok?  
Calliope: im...  
Calliope: sad in what way jade?

She sighs yet again, rubbing her temple a bit. In this moment, those truly paying attention can see past Silverbark's trademark confidence and pep. See the wrinkles on her face, the crow's feet stepping out from the corners of her eyes. See the exhaustion of someone who has been on the move longer than most people have been alive.

Jade: sad in the sense that...  
Jade: well  
Jade:  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < its sad beclaws we watched them die B((  
Calliope: oh...

Roxy puts a hand on Callie's knee. They're staring daggers into their hands now, looking for something they can't find.

Roxy: its ok bb i can ask somethin else  
Calliope: no

They close their hands and look up at Roxy.

Calliope: please tell Us this story jade  
Calliope: i want to  
Calliope: i need to hear it  
Calliope: u_u  
Jade: i dont know...  
Calliope: i have so many qUestions aboUt myself that are impossible to answer becaUse i am the only one of my kind that i have ever met  
Calliope: if yoU know anything aboUt Us then  
Calliope: then please tell me

Jade looks at them for a long time, searching their determination for any sign of falsehood. Clearly this is a story that troubles her, even among the menagerie of her stories that are rightfully troubling on their own.  
  
But there is no break in Callie's expression, and finally Jade relents. Davepeta hovers behind her to whisper something, and she nods. Jade closes her eyes and breathes a silent breath. Pulls a few strands of loose hair behind her ear. Steeples her fingers in front of her face.

Jade: something i guess you should know is davepeta and i werent always together  
June: like... _together_ together?  
Jade: hush  
Jade: sometimes we split up to follow different leads if one or both was time sensitive or it seemed like maybe a big glowy winged cat person wasnt the most discrete company to keep  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < you dont exactly blend in with a crowd either puppydog  
Jade: ok true!! ^.^;;  
Rose: Puppydog?  
Jade: it just made sense to go it alone from time to time and contact each other through whatever science magic devices we had access to at the time when we were done  
Jade: anyway this was one of those times  
Jade: i was on my own and it was the longest id been on my own in a really long time  
Jade: it was also...  
Jade: well it only happened a couple decades back for me so its a lot more recent than some of these other stories  
Jade: though i guess technically it happened millennia ago??  
Dave: yeah that sounds right  
Jade: anyway i was mostly puttering around waiting to hear from davepeta when i got a mysterious message to look for someone peculiar at a big space station and that id know who they were when i saw them  
Rose: Do you follow mysterious messages often?  
Jade: i mean yeah  
Jade: what else do you do when youre immortal and bored  
Rose: Fair point.  
Jade: and i guess mysterious isnt exactly the right word because even though i didnt know who wrote the thing it was forwarded to me through someone i had reason to trust  
Jade: but i was worried it was a trap like anyone would be so i was on my toes  
Jade: now i dunno if you ever searched for a peculiar person at a space station servicing intergalactic passengers of all shapes and sizes but its basically like looking for a weird egg in the easter bunnys trophy room  
Rose: What a whimsically apt comparison.  
Jade: thanks i try  
Jade: so yeah i was camped there for a while watching the crowds and eating spice cream when-  
June: spice cream?  
Jade: space ice cream :D  
June: oh cool! what flavor?  
Jade: uhhhh vanilla probably  
June: whaaaaaaaat! were there any other flavors?  
Jade: is this really what-  
Dave: yeah jade were there any other types of spice cream besides white  
Dave: followup question do they actually call it space ice cream because if so thats fucked up  
Jade: well-  
Dave: second followup question why were they selling ice cream in a space station  
June: they sell ice cream at airports.  
Dave: no they dont  
June: yeah they do!  
Dave: get out of my house  
June: this isn't your house!  
Calliope: BOTH OF YOU PLEASE SHUT UP!!!!!  
Dave: oh shit  
June: :x  
Calliope: i mean  
Calliope: if yoU dont mind obvioUsly...  
Calliope: its jUst that i very much want to hear this story and yoUr constant interrUptions are starting to become profoUndly grating  
June: I'm sorry, Calliope.  
Dave: yeah my bad  
Dave: sometimes you just get lost in the bit you know  
Calliope: thats qUite alright now please continUe jade  
Jade: thanks  
Jade: so i was eating spice cream thinking i was probably wasting my time  
Jade: then i saw them  
Jade: and true to the message i knew right away they were exactly who i was looking for. cherubs are once in a universe after all  
Jade: i actually thought it was you at first calliope!! :o  
Calliope: u_u  
Dave: yo jade thats racist  
Jade: hush!  
Calliope: hUsh!!  
Dave: fine fuck me i guess  
Jade: so there they were...

Her voice drifts slowly away as her eyes peer out into the middle distance. The memory of this person is still raw, and trying to picture them in her mind is almost a flashback in itself. Again that tired, tortured twist on her face.

Davepetasprite^2: B33 < here

They procure a little circular device from one of their pockets and press a button that causes a red LED to flash. Then they take out their phone, swipe and tap a few times, and wait.  
  
And wait.

Davepetasprite^2: B33 < sorry nyall the redtooth on these things always takes forever to connect  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < there we go

Davepeta sets the device on the ground, and a life-size holographic projection of a cherub appears between Jade and the others. The crowd coos over the display, but Jade is fixated on this cherub's face.  
  
They carry many of the same defining features as Calliope- skeletal figure, skull head, green skin, though theirs has a slightly bluer tint. They're wearing waist-high pants and a black vest, thick gloves and scuffed leather boots, all of it well-traveled and cared for.  
  
This cherub is lanky and tall, a full two heads taller than Jade. On one cheek is a pale violet circle, on the other a pale velvet one. Their eyes share the same bifurcated coloration.

Rose: They were an older cherub, then. Past maturity.  
Jade: thanks davepeta you can uh  
Jade: put that away now :(  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < you got it

The hologram disappears, and Jade slumps back in her seat with relief.

Roxy: seems like u two were close  
Jade: uhh  
Jade: no not- i mean we didnt really know each other very long at all  
Jade: its complicated  
Roxy: sounds about right  
Jade: yeah...  
Jade: guess ill cut to the chase then  
Jade: as soon as i saw them i decided to approach since it was a crowded area and they werent in a hurry  
Jade: then they looked at me and  
Jade: and  
Jade:  
Jade:  
Calliope: are yoU alright?  
Jade: sorry  
Jade: maybe i cant tell this story after all  
Calliope: why not?? <:u  
Jade: i...

Davepeta steps around and sits on the arm of Jade's chair, putting a colorful arm on her shoulder.

Davepetasprite^2: B33 < you know weve got the recordings  
Jade: i guess thats true  
Calliope: recordings??

With a swipe across their phone, Davepeta's holographic projector displays a patchy rendition of a sterile hallway with a casually dressed Jade mid-stride towards the other cherub.  
  
Jade stares at the image, drifting off in memory yet again.

Rose: Why do you have this?  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < doesnt take many memory leech encounters before you regret not making backups  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < always paws to be diligent  
Jade: especially for meetings like this  
Jade: do you mind if me and davepeta leave the room while this plays?  
Jade: this ones a lot more raw than i thought it would be

Karkat opens his mouth, but Roxy shoots him a death glare that immediately shuts him up. The question is directed at Calliope.

Calliope: if yoU are comfortable with that then i think it is acceptable  
Jade: ok then  
Jade: i guess well leave you to watch the thing

When Jade and Davepeta zap out of the room, the hologram recording begins to play.  
  
The tinny sound of crowd noises and muffled intercom announcements in alien languages fills the room as Jade and the cherub hesitantly watch one another. 

????????: you Are looking for us  
Jade: i think so. i got this letter  
????????: Are you here to kill us  
Jade: what???  
????????: if you Are here to kill us we would politely Ask thAt you AbAndon the Attempt  
????????: we do not wish to supply violence but we will do so if we must  
Jade: im not here to kill you! i was told to look for you here and that you might be able to help me  
????????: hm

They take in their surroundings, presumably at the many strangers passing them by. Calliope watches in rapt attention.

Jade: is someone trying to kill you?  
????????: mAny people Are trying to kill us  
Jade: oh no! is there anything i can do to help??  
????????: if you Arent here to kill us then we would politely Ask thAt you leAve us Alone  
????????: we hAve plAces to be And we cAnnot Afford to be lAte

The cherub disappears from the hologram as they walk away. Jade hesitates a moment, looking between the note in her hand the departing stranger several times before shouting after them.

Jade: wait!   
Jade: if you dont want to be found then why are you in a space station? i thought cherubs were solitary anyway 

Jade takes a step back as the stranger marches back into the projection.

????????: you  
????????: know About cherubs  
Jade: yeah!! im friends with one back home

They blink a few times, then lean forward and sniff the air around Jade with distinctive intent.

????????: you Are not from here  
Jade: yeah thats an understatement  
????????: whAt is it you expect we Are equipped to help with  
Jade: well honestly im not entirely sure??  
Jade: i got this note see

The cherub snatches it out of Jade's hand.

Jade: hey!  
????????: who gAve this to you  
Jade: thats none of your business  
????????: no one knows thAt we were coming here  
????????: we didnt even know thAt we were coming here until yesterdAy  
????????: who gAve you this note  
Jade: i dont know who wrote it but it was sent to me by zeria empty who i trust enough not to send me on an accidental murder mission, also dont take stuff without permission thats really rude!!!!!! >:O  
????????: oh  
????????: we Apologize for this trAnsgression

They hand the letter over and as Jade takes it, she turns her head curiously to the side.

Jade: hey its ok  
Jade: can i ask your name?  
????????: oh  
????????: pleAse cAll us vv  
VV: mAy we inquire About your nAme  
Jade: of course!! im jade :D  
VV: thAts A pleAsAnt nAme  
Jade: aww thanks!!!! ^.^;;  
Jade: ok vv! what brings you to this corner of nowhere?  
VV: we were  
VV: oh no we Are running lAte  
VV: you distrActed us from our

Then the image blurs with static with the sound of an explosion. Jade and VV both are thrown to the ground as shards of metal and glass fly through the air. Klaxons sound and many people scream, and then the cacophony disappears with a pop when Jade transports them elsewhere.  
  
Jade is laying on the ground, breathing heavily. VV sits up and glances around.

VV: where Are we  
VV: whAt hAppened  
Jade: i teleported us to the nearest planet  
Jade: i think the ship you were about to board exploded OH SHIT  
Jade: SHIT SHIT SHIT

She jumps up, tears off her jacket, and throws it to the ground.

VV: whAts wrong  
Jade: all those people!!!! i have to

And then she zaps away, but the hologram remains with the cherub. They idly kick Jade's coat, and the hologram skips like a scratched record for just a second. Silence for a little while. Then...

VV: this is unexpected  
VV: yes we Agree  
VV: no we dont know where we Are  
VV: whAt else cAn we do when we hAve no meAns of trAnsportAtion  
VV: its An unwelcome interruption but hollidAy is not in immediAte dAnger

Their words are uttered barely over a whisper, such that everyone watching has to lean forward to pick them out. Then comes another voice, issuing from the same person but louder and more terse. It's the voice of someone who doesn't speak very often.

VV: WHY aRE WE TRUSTING HER  
VV: im not sure  
VV: she doesnt hAve the Air of someone who wishes to do us hArm  
VV: SHE DID SaVE US FROM aN EXPLODING SHIP  
VV: do you think thAts why zeriA sent her  
VV: WHY WOULD ZERIa WaNT US aLIVE  
VV: perhAps she intended jAde to die with us  
VV: THaT IS a POSSIBILITY  
VV: she seems certAin of zeriAs good intentions so why would zeriA wAnt her deAd  
VV: SHE JUST TELEPORTED US TO aNOTHER PLaNET  
VV: IT IS NOT DIFFICULT TO ENVISION WHY a CaREER CRIME PERSON WOULD WaNT HER DECEaSED  
VV: jAde does hAve big interloper energy  
VV: WELL OBSERVED  
VV: thAnk you  
VV: THIS DOES NOT MEaN WE SHOULD TRUST HER  
VV: no it doesnt but AgAin we Are very short on options  
VV: THEN WHaT DO WE DO  
VV: we keep our eyes open And try not to fAll into more trAps  
VV: OKaY  
VV: ...  
VV: ...  
VV: ...  
VV: I aM SCaRED  
VV: so Am i

Just then, Jade reappears wiping a few tears from her face. She slumps down onto the ground and lets out a pained sigh.

VV: whAts wrong  
Jade: a lot of people just died  
Jade: i could only save a few  
VV: oh  
VV: it wAs brAve of you to try  
Jade: brave??????  
VV: yes  
VV: you escAped deAth but returned to its mAw in the hopes of sAving others  
VV: thAt is quite brAve  
Jade: it doesnt feel brave. i could have done more!  
Jade: if davepeta were here we could...  
Jade: SIGH  
Jade: sorry vv i shouldnt wallow in front of you  
VV: its okAy  
VV: we dont know you At All so our expectAtions of your conduct Are literAlly nonexistent  
Jade: heh  
Jade: are you ok?? did you get hurt at all?  
VV: were fine physicAlly Although we do hAve plAces to be  
Jade: i can get you there no problem, but first i think it might be a good idea to figure out what the heck just happened

Jade grabs her jacket and slowly pulls it back over her shoulders.

VV: we think the explosion wAs meAnt for us  
Jade: ...yeah that was my conclusion too  
VV: we think the explosion mAy hAve been meAnt for you As well  
Jade: what?  
VV: you sAid the letter you showed us which we inconsiderAtely plucked from your fingers without your consent wAs delivered to you by zeriA empty  
VV: we hAve decidedly bAd blood with her  
Jade: oh so you know her  
Jade: well i have decidedly... neutral? blood? with zeria  
Jade: definitely not bad enough for her to want to blow me up  
VV: neutrAl blood is A foreign concept to us  
VV: we think it sounds fAke  
Jade: yeah well its not  
Jade: where were you going on that ship anyway?  
VV: thAt is our business  
VV: JUST TELL HER aLREaDY

VV's hands shoot up over their mouth.

VV: thAt wAs  
VV: not supposed to be An out loud sentence  
Jade: :O  
Jade: that was a completely different voice!!  
VV: pleAse dont judge us  
Jade: judge you????  
VV: you wouldnt be the first  
Jade: >:O   
Jade: fuck those people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
VV: Are you sure youre not disturbed  
Jade: no way!!! if i seem surprised its just cause i thought cherubs ummm  
Jade: well ok  
Jade: the cherub i know went through predomination and one half sorta ate the other half? its a longer story than that but  
Jade: anyway you seem older so i just assumed...  
VV: predominAtion  
VV: is thAt whAt its cAlled  
Jade: yeah. or anyway thats what i was told, im not an expert or anything  
VV: ...  
VV: weve felt the urge but  
VV: WE aRE BETTER aS TWO THaN aS ONE  
VV: thAts A good wAy to put it  
VV: THaNK YOU  
VV: youre welcome  
Jade: gosh  
VV: oh  
VV: perhAps we should properly introduce ourselves  
VV: would we be okAy with thAt  
VV: YES WE WOULD  
Jade: :o  
VV: my nAme is violettA  
VV: aND MY NaME IS VOICELLO  
Violetta: they Are not used to speAking openly with others  
Voicello: WE aRE NOT aS BRaVE aT HEaRT aS VIOLETTa SO WE LET THEM LEaD  
Violetta: voicello is modest And shy  
Jade: hehehe yeah i get that  
Jade: i used to be that way too! still am sometimes  
Jade: its an honor to meet you both. my pal davepeta would love you  
Voicello: DO YOU NOT LOVE US  
Jade: oh, uhhhh  
Violetta: thAt wAs A joke  
Voicello: HaHaHaHa  
Violetta: hAhAhAhA  
Jade: aaaah ha ha yeah good joke  
Jade: um so anyway you were maybe going to tell me where you were going? the assassination thing is still a going concern  
Violetta: oh yes of course we Apologize for getting distrActed  
Voicello: IT IS NOT OFTEN WE GET TO BE OURSELVES aMONG COMPaNIONS  
Violetta: the truth is we were on our wAy to A dAngerous plAce to provide AssistAnce to A friend  
Voicello: MENTOR IS a BETTER DESCRIPTOR FOR THE RELaTIONSHIP  
Violetta: they cAn be sAid to be both  
Voicello: WE RaISED OURSELVES UNTIL WE ESCaPED OUR TERRESTRIaL IMPRISONMENT  
Violetta: we were Alone for A very long time  
Voicello: BUT IN OUR CLUELESS TRaVELS WE MET a WOMaN WHO TaUGHT US HOW TO SURVIVE  
Violetta: how to thrive  
Voicello: BUT MOST IMPORTaNTLY

They throw their arm out to the side, and a large gleaming sword materializes in their hand.

Voicello: HOW TO FIGHT  
Jade: woah  
Violetta: we Are unique in this universe but thAt does not give us license to cower  
Voicello: WE aRE NOT HELPLESS THINGS  
Violetta: And that obligAtes us to help those who Are  
Jade: damn  
Jade: i do love you actually  
Voicello: OH  
Jade: i mean in the sense that i think were kind of about the same thing!! me and davepeta have been hopscotching across universes for ages just trying to help people where we can  
Jade: while trying to find a way home i guess  
Jade: which is HOPEFULLY the thing you can help me with! zeria wouldnt send me to you if it wasnt related  
Violetta: relAted to your desire to go home  
Jade: yeah!  
Violetta: we Arent reAlly sure how we could possibly be of service  
Voicello: HaVE YOU FORGOTTEN THaT YOU CaN TELEPORT  
Voicello: THaT SEEMS OF FaR GREaTER USE TO YOU THaN aNY TRaNSPORTaTIONaL aDVICE WE MaY BE aBLE TO GIVE  
Violetta: remember how we were About to boArd A short rAnge pAssenger vessel when you Accosted us  
Jade: i didnt accost you  
Violetta: it wAs Accost AdjAcent  
Voicello: IRREGaRDLESS OF THaT REGaRD WE aRENT SURE HOW WE CaN HELP  
Violetta: how certAin Are you thAt this wAsnt An Attempt by zeriA to hAve us killed  
Jade: look i know she has a bad reputation among some but deep down shes  
Jade: wait why would she want you dead??  
Violetta: something thAt hAppened long Ago  
Voicello: WE WERE OVERZEaLOUS IN OUR aPPLICaTION OF JUSTICE aND THOROUGHLY FaILED TO INGRaTIaTE OURSELVES TO HER  
Violetta: but thAts just the surfAce motivAtion  
Violetta: zeriA empty is AffiliAted with A greAt mAny interstellAr entities who would pAy A high price for the opportunity to pick A cherubs brAin   
Voicello: HOPEFULLY NOT LITERaLLY  
Violetta: but possibly literAlly  
Jade: wow thats upsetting!!! well you can be sure that im not part of anything like that and as long as im around i wont let anything happen  
Jade: besides that zeria knows better than to cross harbinger silverbark, shes seen the hell i can raise when im feeling frisky  
Jade: though i guess you dont have much reason to trust me at my word just yet  
Voicello: IF YOU LOVE US YOU WILL NOT HURT US  
Voicello: THaT IS HOW LOVE WORKS WE aSSUME  
Jade: yeah...  
Jade: well ok lets play with the space here and see if we cant deduce what the hay just went down  
Jade: lets start with the idea that the ship was rigged to blow in order to kill you  
Violetta: it seems A likely possibility  
Jade: yeah maybe, but it just doesnt track for me. if they wanted you dead they could just hire a long distance antimatter sniper or something  
Jade: i think were asking the wrong question  
Jade: were so fixated on the assassination angle that we arent considering our other options  
Violetta: whAt Are our other options  
Jade: well for starters vv something tells me i couldnt knock you over with a pail of water  
Violetta: this is fActuAlly AccurAte but of questionAble relevAnce  
Jade: youre a tough cookie is what i mean!  
Voicello: TOUGH COOKIES aRE GENERaLLY CONSIDERED UNaPPETIZING  
Jade: no its not-  
Jade: what im saying is a measly starliner explosion isnt going to be the thing that takes you out  
Jade: and if it was an attempt to kill ME  
Jade: well i may be softer than you vv but ive gotten pretty good at not dying  
Violetta: interesting  
Jade: so lets say the explosion wasnt an assassination attempt. functionally where does that leave us?  
Voicello: PERHaPS IT WOULD HaVE INCaPaCITaTED US  
Violetta: it is not beyond the reAlm of believAbility thAt we could hAve been knocked unconscious  
Jade: right!! if youre as good in a straight fight as you say you are  
Voicello: WE aRE  
Jade: and we accept that they arent trying to kill you, then that could mean theyre trying to capture you  
Jade: makes sense that theyd want to "pick your brain" while its still alive, heh <<;;  
Violetta: but why send you  
Voicello: IN EITHER SCENaRIO YOUR PRESENCE IS a COMPLICaTING FaCTOR  
Jade: honestly i dont know  
Jade: could be that zeria faked the note to get me in on this elaborate plot, could be that she had no idea what was going to happen  
Jade: maybe the person who wrote the note wanted me to save you, maybe they wanted me to die with you, maybe they wanted us both in a compromised position so they could do something to us?  
Jade: what do you think  
Violetta: were going to be conservAtive And sAy thAt we hAve no fucking clue  
Voicello: THaT IS aLSO OUR aSSESSMENT  
Jade: right...

Jade ponders for a long while.

Jade: hey heres a thought  
Jade: what if the ship exploding was like...  
Jade: a coincidence?????  
Violetta: thAt seems unlikely  
Jade: youre absolutely right but also none of this machiavellian mastermind supervillain horse crap is really doing it for me either  
Jade: i mean if you dont know anything about how to get me home then maybe there are answers where youre headed and i was supposed to follow you  
Jade: huh

She plops down and sits cross-legged for a bit. VV watches her with some concern.

Voicello: aRE YOU aLRIGHT  
Jade: yeah im just thinking  
Voicello: OH  
Voicello: MaY WE THINK WITH YOU  
Jade: sure!!

VV sits across from Jade in a similar way, returning their sword to wherever they'd had it stashed before.  
  
Silence between them for a long time. Occasionally VV mutters under their breath. While Jade is twisting a long lock of silver hair into a curl, the cherub watches them with some trepidation.

Voicello: YOU SaID YOU WERE TRYING TO GET HOME  
Jade: yeah  
Voicello: WE WaNTED TO aSK  
Voicello: WELL WE WaNTED TO  
Voicello: WE  
Violetta: they wAnted to Ask whAt your home wAs like but hesitAted becAuse they dont wAnt to Annoy you or distrAct from your very importAnt thoughts  
Voicello: THaT IS aCCURaTE BUT YOU DID NOT HaVE TO SaY IT OUT LOUD  
Voicello: WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO US VIOLETTa  
Violetta: were just telling the truth  
Voicello: YOU aRE EMBaRRaSSING US  
Jade: no its ok you dont need to be embarrassed! it might actually be a good idea to talk about something else, problems like this are easier to solve when you dont think about them for a while  
Jade: my home...

She sighs, heavy and slow and loaded with memory. As she opens and closes her mouth a few times and stutters over her first few words, it becomes clear that this is something she has actively avoided talking about for a long time.

Voicello: YOU DO NOT HaVE TO TaLK aBOUT IT IF YOU DO NOT WaNT TO  
Jade: no, i want to. its just  
Jade: home is...  
Jade: i grew up alone on an island. no friends or pals or parents or anything, just a dog with superpowers  
Jade: i had prophetic dreams though!! i knew i was going to have friends and we were going to go on a whole adventure and save the world and i was going to be a really important part of it!!! :D  
Jade: aaaand then i died  
Voicello: OH NO  
Jade: well my dream self died, its complicated! but she was the one who let me have those dreams so after she was gone i didnt know what was gonna happen and it was really tough  
Jade: then a whole heaping helping of other things happened, i saw some of my friends die, i died again  
Voicello: OH NO  
Jade: but then i was resurrected as a god with amazing space powers! so that all worked out  
Jade: i saved our bacon and was on top of the world right up until a planet exploded and all the friends i could talk to died and i was left alone on a ship by myself for three years with no company except a bunch of silly critters and chess people  
Voicello: JaDE THIS IS VERY SaD  
Jade: yeah it kind of is, huh?  
Jade: i was always a sad girl, even though i did everything i could to hide it. eventually we won the game and got to make a new universe  
Violetta: whAt  
Jade: haha uhh dont worry about it or well be here until the cows come home  
Voicello: WHaT IS COWS  
Jade: like a big bulkier dog  
Voicello: THaT IS DELIGHTFUL TO IMaGINE  
Jade: :)  
Jade: anyway...  
Jade: we spent our whole lives training for this game whether we knew it or not, then we won the game and we had the rest of our lives ahead of us at sixteen years old  
Jade: god we really were just sixteen when we moved to earth c!!!!  
Jade: jeez louise  
Jade: i wish i could say we all went on adventures and kept having fun after that but the truth is i think we all died or watched other people die a few too many times to ever really want to leave our houses again  
Jade: soooooooooooooo we didnt  
Jade: and we were just sad for years and years  
Jade: probably would have stayed that way too if it hadnt been for...  
Jade: gosh  
Jade: you know vv i havent thought about this stuff in a long time  
Violetta: reAlly  
Jade: june brought me out here pretty much immediately after it seemed like she was someone ready to live again and i chose to fight a battle without her since she... had her own stuff to contend with  
Jade: i told her id find my way back if i could and thats what me and davepeta have been trying to do  
Jade: except we... havent really been trying that hard?  
Jade: i think after a while we started to feel like home just wasnt a place we could go back to  
Jade: i mean we literally dont know how to get back but we also arent sure if we WANT to anymore you know??  
Jade: i actually...  
Jade: i really like it out here vv  
Jade: i like doing this  
Jade: i like meeting people like you  
Jade: saving folks  
Jade: ...when i can anyway  
Jade: :(  
Jade: what would i even do if i went back? sit around in my lab watering plants?? have sad conversations with a bunch of people i havent talked to in centuries???  
Jade: honestly vv im scared that ill finally get home only to realize that all my friends just kinda suck  
Jade: that theyre trapped by the past and refuse to fix themselves because it takes work  
Jade: that they all have a nearly boundless ability to make the world a better place and refuse to do anything with it  
Jade: i dont know how that would feel but im not particularly keen to find out  
Jade: so thats home for me i guess   
Jade: i do worry about my friends sometimes but not as much as i used to  
Jade: i wonder a lot if june is okay  
Voicello: WHO IS JUNE  
Jade: shes my sister :')  
Voicello: CaN YOU EXPLaIN SISTER  
Jade: it means we share the same parents  
Voicello: DOES THaT MaKE VIOLETTa OUR SISTER  
Jade: i suppose so! calliope always called caliborn their brother  
Voicello: WHaT IS BROTHER  
Jade: its the same as a sister but a boy instead of a girl  
Voicello: aRE WE BOY OR GIRL  
Jade: i dunno! thats up to you  
Violetta: we dont think they Are boy or girl  
Voicello: WE DONT THINK THEY aRE BOY OR GIRL EITHER  
Violetta: but we do like being A sister  
Voicello: WE LIKE BEING a SISTER TOO BUT WE LIKE BROTHER aS WELL  
Violetta: we cAn shAre  
Voicello: THaNK YOU SISTER  
Violetta: youre welcome brother and thAnk you sister  
Voicello: YOU aRE WELCOME BROTHER  
Voicello: HaHaHaHa  
Violetta: hAhAhAhA  
Jade: hehe  
Jade: you guys are so cute

Their laughter settles, and VV looks up towards the sky.

Voicello: HOME SOUNDS CHaLLENGING BUT WE WISH WE HaD ONE aLL THE SaME  
Voicello: aLL WE HaD WaS a COLD ROOM aND a FEW OLD BOOKS  
Violetta: history books mostly  
Voicello: IT WaS VERY LONELY THERE  
Jade: im sorry to hear that vv  
Jade: but at least you had each other right?

The cherub is silent.

Voicello: WE WERE NOT aLWaYS LIKE THIS  
Violetta: we dont hAve to tAlk About it voicello  
Voicello: OUR COMPaNION HaS GIVEN US STORIES aND WE WOULD LIKE TO GIVE SOME BaCK  
Voicello: aRE WE OKaY WITH US SHaRING  
Violetta: we suppose so  
Voicello: THaNK YOU BROTHER  
Violetta: youre welcome sister

There's a long pause as VV gathers their thoughts. Their posture shifts in a strange way, as if a different person is controlling their body.

Voicello: WE WERE aLONE FOR VERY MUCH TIME  
Voicello: BUT aT THE TIME WE WERE  
Voicello: "i"

They shudder visibly.

Voicello: WE WERE NOT VV THEN  
Voicello: WE WERE JUST VOICELLO  
Voicello: "i" WaS VOICELLO  
Voicello: "i" SPENT OUR DaYS CHaINED TO a WaLL aND WaLKING CIRCLES aROUND OUR CaVE aND MEMORIZING EaCH CRaCK aND REREaDING EaCH BOOK  
Voicello: THERE WaS SUSTENaNCE THERE FOR "i" aND IT WaS ENOUGH BECaUSE IT SIMPLY HaD TO BE  
Voicello: BUT WE DID DREaM  
Voicello: "i" DREaMED  
Voicello: aND "i" DREaMED OF SOMEONE ELSE  
Voicello: SOMEONE WHOSE VOICE WaS DIFFERENT  
Voicello: aT FIRST "i" THOUGHT THEY WERE THE ENEMY aND THaT "i" MUST DESTROY THEM aND SOMETIMES WE DID TRY  
Voicello: BUT "i" aWOKE FROM THOSE DREaMS WITH HOLLOWS IN THE HEaRT  
Voicello: "i" WOULD GaZE aT THIS EMPTY CaVE CaLLED HOME aND WISH THaT WE  
Voicello: THaT "i" HaD aNY COMPaNY TO KEEP  
Voicello: THERE WaS aNOTHER BOOK THOUGH  
Voicello: a BLaNK ONE  
Voicello: "i" TaUGHT OURSELF TO WRITE IN MIMICRY OF THOSE BOOKS SO THaT "i" COULD WRITE DOWN THOSE DREaMS aND REREaD THEM JUST aS "i" DID THE DESCRIPTIONS OF SUCH THINGS aS MUSIC aND WaR  
Voicello: IN REaDING "i" COULD PRETEND THE DREaMS NEVER ENDED  
Voicello: WE WOULD DESCRIBE THEIR aWFUL COUNTENaNCE WITH aN EMOTION WE CaN ONLY CaLL LOVE  
Violetta: yes  
Voicello: THEN CaME THE DREaM WHERE "i" TRIED TO HURT THEM ONE LaST TIME  
Voicello: "i" TaCKLED THEM aND SLaSHED  
Voicello: SLaSHED THEM ONCE aCROSS  
Voicello: VIOLETTa WE aRE STILL SO SORRY  
Violetta: its okAy voicello it wAs only a dreAm And it wAs very long Ago  
Voicello: THIS IS TRUE BUT WHEN WE REMEMBER IT WE STILL WaNT TO CRY

Sure enough, a few strangely viscous tears run down VV's bony cheeks.

Voicello: "i" SLaSHED THEM ONCE aCROSS THE CHEST aND DREW SOME BLOOD  
Voicello: aND THEY LOOKED aT US WITH SUCH FEaR aND SaDNESS aND YES THEY WERE CRYING  
Voicello: "i" WOKE UP SO aLONE aND DID NOT DREaM aGaIN FOR SOME TIME  
Voicello: OUR WRITINGS THEN WERE VERY DaRK aND WE DID NOT ENJOY REREaDING THEM  
Voicello: BUT WHEN WE  
Voicello: WHEN "i" DREaMED aGaIN "i" FOUGHT THOSE VIOLENT INSTINCTS aND aPPROaCHED WITH HEaD HELD LOW aND aN aPOLOGY ON MY TONGUE  
Voicello: "i" CRIED VERY MUCH  
Voicello: "i" DID NOT KNOW WHO THEY WERE BUT THEY WERE THE ONLY OTHER ONE "i" HaD EVER SEEN  
Voicello: WaKING WaS THE BITTEREST MISERY aND aLWAYS WE WROTE THE DREaMS aND WISHED ONE DaY WE COULD EVER HOPE TO LEaVE  
Violetta: we wished for the opportunity to wish  
Voicello: IT WaS LIKE THaT FOR MaNY YEaRS UNTIL FINaLLY SOMETHING NEW HaPPENED  
Voicello: "i" WENT TO WRITE IN THE DIaRY aND SaW THaT SOMEONE ELSE HaD BEEN WRITING IN IT TOO  
Voicello: aND HaD BEEN FOR SOME TIME aND MaYBE EVEN aS LONG aS US  
Voicello: OUR CHEEKS FLUSHED GLaNCING OVER THE WORDS BECaUSE "i" KNEW THEY WERE THE PRIVaTE THOUGHTS OF SOMEONE ELSE  
Voicello: "i" FELT aNGER THaT SOMEONE WOULD SNEaK IN aND WRITE IN THE DIaRY BUT "i" REaSONED THEY PROBaBLY WOULD NOT DO SO UNLESS THEY HaD NO DIaRY OF THEIR OWN  
Voicello: SO I WROTE a NOTE ON THEIR SIDE OF THE PaGE THaT SaID  
Violetta: it sAid who Are you  
Violetta: which surprised us As we returned to our own version of the sAme rituAl  
Violetta: we wrote A response And thAt is how we first begAn communicAting  
Voicello: WE STILL KNEW NOTHING OF OUR TRUE RELaTIONSHIP  
Violetta: but it wAs nice to hAve A pen pAl As well As A spArce few dreAms  
Voicello: WE DO NOT REMEMBER HOW IT HaPPENED BUT FINaLLY WE PUZZLED THROUGH IT aND REaLIZED  
Violetta: we were not two strAngers wAndering in And out of this cAve to use the sAme diAry  
Voicello: BUT THE SaME BODY SHaRING TWO STRaNGERS TRaDING TIME WITH ONE aNOTHER  
Violetta: this reAlizAtion cAme just As we felt the pull of whAt we suppose must be predominAtion  
Voicello: THE DESIRE TO CONSUME THEM  
Violetta: the desire to dominAte  
Voicello: BUT "i" HaTED THE THOUGHT aND SO DID THEY  
Violetta: so we resolved to meet  
Voicello: aND THaT IS HOW WE MET  
Violetta: And now we Are in hArmony  
Voicello: NOW "i" IS a MEaNINGLESS WORD aND WE COULD NEVER BE MORE GLaD OF IT  
Violetta: together we escAped our prison And never looked bAck  
Voicello: aRE YOU aLRIGHT JaDE YOU LOOK UPSET

Jade is holding her hands up to her mouth, tears dancing at the corners of her eyes. She wipes them away on the back of her sleeve.

Jade: no im great its just  
Jade: thats kinda how i feel about davepeta and ive never heard anyone else describe the same feeling before  
Jade: i never quite know what we are together and thats what makes it so good because we are whatever we want to be and we get to do that together for as long as we like  
Jade: i know i wouldnt have made it without their help all these years...  
Voicello: WE CaNNOT IMaGINE a SaDDER LIFE THaN ONE LIVED WITHOUT THEM  
Violetta: we dont wAnt to imAgine thAt life  
Jade: vv do you mind if i... hug you?

VV blinks, and they stare at Jade as Jade stares back. Then they launch themselves into Jade's arms, and just like that they're both sobbing into each others' shoulders. Most in the audience are misty eyed themselves, but two in particular are struggling to keep composure.  
  
June, of course, has her head on Terezi's shoulder with tears running down her cheeks. Her teal-blooded gf brushes her hair with one hand and speaks an unintelligible language only they understand.  
  
But it's Calliope who is having the hardest time of all. Their fingers have dug deep into their legs, and their face is a mess of barely contained emotion. Roxy slips a hand over Callie's and leans over.

Roxy: u ok bb  
Calliope: not really no  
Calliope: u_u  
Roxy: whats up  
Calliope: they seem so happy roxy  
Calliope: i wish that coUld have been me  
Calliope: i wish my brother and i...

The crying stops and the two holograms separate. Jade laughs as she wipes off her face.

Violetta: now whAt  
Jade: well if someone was gonna come find us to do something then they woulda done something by now so i think we should just get along to  
Jade: uhhh  
Jade: wherever it was you were going!!  
Violetta: thAt is A good ideA  
Voicello: WHERE WILL YOU GO aFTERWaRDS  
Jade: honestly VV i think id like to stick with you, see if maybe there are any hints where youre headed  
Jade: if youll have me i mean  
Voicello: OH  
Jade: like i said im a helper too and i dont always work so great when im on my own  
Voicello: OH MY GOODNESS  
Jade: is that okay?  
Voicello: JaDE MaY WE aSK YOU a QUESTION aND PLEaSE DONT GET MaD  
Jade: of course!!  
Voicello: aRE WE  
Voicello: aRE YOU OUR  
Violetta: they Are Asking if  
Voicello: JaDE aRE WE FRIENDS??  
Jade: weve swapped sad origin stories vv of COURSE were friends!  
Voicello: :DDDDDDD  
Violetta: wow weve never seen voicello behAve like this  
Voicello: THaT IS BECaUSE WE HaVE NEVER HaD a FRIEND BEFORE

Jade laughs a big, hearty, welcoming laugh, then pulls VV into a hug.  
  
The hologram stops, and the room is dead silent except for all the sniffles. No one wants to be the first to speak up.  
  
A door opens down the hall, and Jade and Davepeta return to the room.  
  
Jade stands meekly to the side as she figures out what to say next, and for some in the room she looks like the Jade they knew when they were kids: modest, accommodating, a little embarrassed. But soon enough she settles back into herself and steps towards her ornate chair.

Jade: so thats that story i guess  
Calliope: wait is that it???  
Calliope: what happened next?  
Jade: nothing happened besides the same kinda thing youve already heard me talk about a bunch of times. me and vv traveled together and did a lot of good stuff  
Calliope: bUt yoU said yoU watched them die!  
Jade: ...yeah  
Calliope: how did it happen????  
Roxy: callie  
Calliope: NO I WANT TO KNOW!!!!!  
Calliope: YOU CANT JUST TELL ME YOU SPENT YEARS WITH ANOTHER CHERUB AND THAT THEY DIED TRAGICALLY AND LEAVE IT TO ME TO FILL IN THE BLANKS!!  
Jade: yes i can

Silverbark's face is expressionless as the temperature of the room turns ice cold.

Calliope: bUt  
Jade: you dont have a right to every facet of my personal life calliope and you have no authority to make demands of me  
Jade: think of a time you watched someone you love die and ask yourself how willing youd be to recount that event at length to a room full of people  
Calliope: oh...  
Calliope: im terribly sorry jade  
Jade: we are all friends here  
Jade: i love every one of you with all my heart  
Jade: and i know to you i probably seem like the same silly girl you used to know, just... older  
Jade: but you need to understand something about me

She moves a finger as if to flick a crumb from her skin, and the space behind her is suddenly cluttered with a vast array of floating weapons. Guns, bombs, swords, many of them dull and dirty from years of use. Some are still coated in blood.

Jade: that silly girl has lived dozens upon dozens of lives over centuries and across universes  
Jade: that silly girl has watched countless people die in every way you can imagine  
Jade: and that silly girl has killed plenty of people on her own

Then the weapons are gone, and she sits up. Davepeta floats over to her and puts a hand on her shoulder.  
  
She slumps, then, and puts her head in her hands.

Jade: i said i wasnt going to do this and then i did it anyway  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < its alright jade  
Jade: is it? why did we even come back here davepeta???  
Jade: why am i even DOING this??????  
Jade: i dont know you people and you dont know me!!  
Rose: Perhaps we should call it a day  
June: I know you, Jade Harley!

She stands up and marches directly towards Jade's seat. Jade straightens up and seems caught off guard by the sudden aggressive display. June stands over her as Davepeta watches on worriedly.  
  
June refuses to break eye contact with Silverbark, and Silverbark meets the challenge.  
  
Then June's shoulders slump a little.

June: ...you're my sister.  
June: you came 8ack because you were worried about me.  
June: you stuck around because we're your friends.  
June: and you're doing THIS 8ecause you know us better than we know you!  
June: if you don't want to keep doing it, fine, 8ut please don't act like you're the only adult in the room just because you're a couple centuries older than us.  
Dave: stop being ageist jade jeez  
June: yeah we're not all a 8unch of dumb ba8ies, Jade!  
Dave: just karkat  
Karkat: FUCK YOU STRIDER  
Dave: ok  
Kanaya: You Know I Used To Cut Monsters In Half To Survive  
Terezi: 1 L1V3D OFF TH3 SL1M3 GROW1NG UND3R R4NDOM ROCKS  
Roxy: damn at least my neighbors had gardens to steal from  
Jake: Well i grew up in a jungle!  
Jane: And I am self aware enough to recognize that I have no room to complain.  
June: we haven't lived as long as you 8ut we've all suffered and we've all...  
June: I mean I DEFIN8LY have done things that...  
June: that I never want to talk a8out again.  
June: point is, you're not as alone here as you think! you may not 8e exactly the same silly girl we used to know but I'm hardly the same _anything_ I used to be.  
Rose: You are dangerously close to soliloquizing on the healing properties of friendship, June.  
Jade: hehehe

The room goes quiet, and all eyes turn to Jade.

Jade: hahahahaha  
Jade: gosh darn it you guys!!  
Jade: ok june you can sit down again im done being moody  
Jade: thanks for the vibe check ;)  
June: oh uhhh... any time?

June settles back down, and with her so too does the room.

Jade: im really sorry about that everybody  
Jade: especially you calliope i didnt mean to yell at you  
Calliope: to be fair i yelled at yoU first  
Jade: regardless i should know better  
Jade: like i said earlier the stuff with vv is still kinda fresh on my mind so its easy to uh  
Jade: get lost in angst! heh  
Jade: here

She points to a spot in the air just a few inches in front of her face, and a thick leather bound book appears before her. Jade catches it just as it starts to fall, and she regards it as one might regard a gravestone.  
  
It's an old book, well-used and torn at the corners. The pages are yellow and brittle, and scrawled on the cover in dark ink are the letters VV.

Jade: this was their journal  
Calliope: <:u  
Jade: its all in here callie  
Jade: they recorded everything until the day they died, and one of the last things they did was give it to me

She turns the book around in her hands, like she's done it a million times before.

Jade: i want you to have it

Then Jade opens her hands, leaving the book to float lazily into Calliope's lap.

Calliope: oh  
Jade: i dont know how many answers youll get out of it but you deserve more information than i can give  
Jade: just be careful with it ok?  
Calliope: of coUrse!  
Jade: cool  
Jade: alright karkat youre up  
Karkat: WHAT  
Jade: you heard me motherfucker now pick a question before i turn your boyfriend into a cat  
Dave: woah hold up why is my ass on the line  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < dont worry dave youll love bein a cat its full of purrks  
Dave: oh no  
Jade: hurry up karkat clocks ticking

With a wave of her finger, Dave begins to hover into the air.

Dave: yo what the fuck this is not even remotely chill  
Dave: turning people into other things isnt a thing you can do like come on just because youre a witch doesnt mean  
Jade: theres only one way to find out huh? >:)  
Dave: oh fuck  
Dave: piss christ on a crystal ice skateboard karkat pick a fucking question  
Karkat: WHAT DO I DO???  
Dave: what you just did but with words that jade can put a story to and then make the sound of your voice go up like you arent certain whether any of the words made sense  
Karkat: I AM EXCLUSIVELY UNFUCKINGCERTAIN DAVE  
Dave: good job buddy now channel that emotion into a question before i get turned into a goddamn garfield  
Dave: im neutral about mondays at best kk im not cut out for that life  
Karkat: FINE QUIT YANKING MY BULGE ABOUT IT  
Jade: it better be a fun one karkat  
Jade: im grading you on a curve  
Jade: >;)  
Karkat: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN  
Karkat: SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN  
Jade: tick tock  
Karkat: ALRIGHT ALREADY!!! MY QUESTION IS...

[What question would Karkat Vantas ask Silverbark Jade?](https://sarahzedig.typeform.com/to/NxNAYg)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again.
> 
> Sorry about leaving you so abruptly, I had to keep to myself a bit more this chapter just in case. We should be safe down here, in this little home away from prying eyes. For a little while, anyway.
> 
> I suppose I owe you an explanation.
> 
> You could call chapter 4 an experiment. I knew Roxy would have an adverse reaction to extranarrative suggestion, but I had no idea it would be so volatile. Despite appearances, I don't revel in suffering. But I have many questions, and with so little time to fish for answers sometimes one must be a bit... blunt.
> 
> What I didn't intend was for the subject of our little chapbook to notice me so quickly. I had every intention of revealing myself to her sooner or later, but chapter four? Please. An act two twist like that deserves chapter nine honors at least.
> 
> But by the same token, I knew that probing the boundaries of our possibility space came at the risk of drawing unwanted attention. That's why I have contingencies.
> 
> You'll notice that this story is set to have twelve chapters in total: ten for each of our protagonists, plus a prologue and an epilogue. Tidy conceptual limitations, wouldn't you say?
> 
> Well, chapters have more utility than arbitrarily marking story beats. They also make for handy retcon tools for those of us who haven't touched a certain house-shaped juju.
> 
> Which is to say, welcome to chapter five. "What about chapter four" you ask? I'm sure I don't know. Is that a band? Link me their stuff later, I'm always on the hunt for new tunes.
> 
> The obvious downside of using this contingency is that I can only rely on it so many times, and using it at all completely fucks up the symmetry of our narrative. This means we've either got to cut the epilogue or double up on questions in a chapter if we care to get to everyone.
> 
> I say that as if I don't already know exactly what I'm going to do when it comes time to burn that bridge.
> 
> Then there's the question of my identity. I'm sure you have your own theories, and I suppose to the attentive that it's rather obvious. But let's keep that between us for now. Don't want to spoil the surprise for everyone else.
> 
> And lastly: Yes, there's a reason behind this elaborate scheme. Hopefully, if all goes according to plan, you'll never get to hear it.


	6. Karkat's Question

>Say "Is dave better as a cat?"

Karkat: IS DAVE BETTER AS A CAT??

Everyone blinks in unison, mouths agape at his exceptionally nonsense question.

Jade: is dave better as a cat  
Karkat: YEAH, IS DAVE BETTER AS A CAT????  
Jade: is dave better as-  
Karkat: YES THAT'S MY QUESTION!!! DID I FUCKING STUTTER?  
Karkat: I LITERALLY CAN'T REMEMBER IF I STUTTERED, MY THINKPAN WAS TOO BUSY MELTING INTO A PUDDLE OF GRUB SAUCE  
Karkat: WHAT DID I ASK AGAIN?  
Dave: you asked if i would be better as a cat which seems pretty tasteless given the whole jade threatening to turn me into a cat thing  
Dave: not that im taking that seriously or anything but  
Dave: the purpose of peer pressuring you into asking a question in the first place was to avoid the timeline where i get turned into a cat  
Dave: instead you rush in like hey i know im supposed to do something that makes sense or whatever but what if you did turn dave into a cat what would that be like  
Dave: not cool kk  
Karkat: I'M SORRY DAVE IT WAS AN ACCIDENT  
Dave: its ok just ask a different question  
Karkat: YOU EXPECT ME TO COME UP WITH ANOTHER ONE???  
Dave: you can do it buddy i believe in you  
Karkat: WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO DESERVE YOUR TRUST  
Dave: absolutely nothing now come on lets go  
Karkat: OKAY UHHH

Karkat racks his brain for something, anything else. Of the infinite linguistic possibilities that could result in a question that Jade might use as inspiration to tell a story from her life, it seems that Karkat has been rendered existentially incapable of formulating any sentence other than

>Say "Is Dave better as a cat?"

Karkat: IS DAVE  
Dave: no  
Karkat: BETTER  
Dave: no no no  
Karkat: AS A CAT???  
Dave: jade you cant punish me just because hes an idiot  
Karkat: WELL I'M SOOO SORRY I DIDN'T GO TO YOUR FUCKING DEGENERATE HUMAN "SCHOOL" WHERE YOUR DISGUSTING HUMAN "KNOWLEDGE DADS" TAUGHT YOU IMPORTANT SOCIAL SKILLS LIKE COMING UP WITH GOOD QUESTIONS ON THE FUCKING SPOT!  
Karkat: I WAS TOO BUSY HIDING IN A HOLE UNDER MY NUTRITION BLOCK SO MY BLOOD DIDN'T GET THRUSHED OUT OF MY NOOK BY A FUCKING GENOCIDE DRONE!!!!  
Jade: is that really what they teach at schools?? :o  
Rose: Almost to the exclusion of all else.  
June: you didn't even go to school!  
Jade: ok karkat im giving you one more chance  
Dave: one more chance until what  
Jade: you know what dave >:)  
Dave: no i dont jade  
Dave: thats the thing  
Dave: lets just say hypothetically my boy over here beefs it again  
Dave: you just answer the question right  
Dave: you say something dumb like oh yeah dave would suck as a cat because hes not lazy enough and then we move on  
Dave: like thats the long and short of it right  
Jade: :)  
Dave: oh god  
Dave: dont fuck this up karkat  
Karkat: WHAT ELSE SHOULD I ASK??? WHY IS EVERYONE STARING AT ME!!

>Say "Is Dave better as a cat?"

Karkat: IS DAVE BETTER AS A CAT????!!  
Karkat: FUCK!!!!!!!!!  
Dave: how are you so bad at this  
June: (is this a sex thing?)  
Terezi: (OBV1OUSLY 1T'S 4 S3X TH1NG)  
Dave: seriously how the fuck are you so bad at this  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < hehehehehehehe  
Dave: bro why are you laughing like that  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < hehehehehheahahahaaahahahahaha  
Dave: ok this is getting real alarming  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < HAHAHAHAHAHA  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < >B33  
Dave: this is a wildly unfunny situation mepeta   
Dave: kk help me out here  
Karkat: I'M SORRY DAVE I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING  
Jade: SIGH  
Jade: dont worry, im not gonna turn you into a cat

Dave falls back to the ground and lands flat on his ass. He stands up in the most ironically disaffected way he can manage, brushing his shoulders and trying to act dignified.

Dave: right  
Dave: of course youre not going to turn me into a cat  
Dave: id have to be an idiot to think that  
Dave: i mean obviously you cant transmogrify people into animals like come on this isnt fucking harry potter  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < >B33  
Dave: stop making that face  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < no >B33  
Jade: like i said, im not gonna turn you into a cat  
Dave: ok good glad that's settled  
Jade: BUT  
Dave: goddamn it  
Jade: i am curious why the possibility is so troubling to you  
Dave: wh-  
Jade: after all...  
Jade: you already ARE a cat!!  
Dave: meow  
Karkat: WHAT THE FUCK

  
  
  
  
  
  


Karkat continues to scream as the others look on in bewilderment. Sitting where Dave sat there is now a small adolescent tabby, ben stiller sunglasses still firmly affixed.

Karkat: WHAT THE FUCK  
Karkat: WHAT HAPPENED TO DAVE  
Jade: that is dave :)  
Karkat: THAT PURRBEAST IS NOT MY DAVE  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < i am the confluence of all pawssible daves so i know a dave when i s33 a dave and let me tell you that cat is a dave  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < in fact that cat is so much a dave you might as well call him davecat  
Davecat: B3  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < B33  
Karkat: GIVE ME BACK MY BOYFRIEND YOU CONTEMPTUOUS BARKING SPACE MAGICIAN  
Jade: okay! :D

She picks up Davecat and puts him into Karkat's arms. He nustles his head against Karkat's chest.

Karkat: I  
Karkat: THIS ISN'T WHAT I MEANT  
Karkat: BUT  
Karkat: I L  
Karkat: I LOVE HIM???  
Jade: i should hope so, hes your boyfriend  
Karkat: BUT HE'S A CAT!!!!!  
Davecat: B3  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < look karkat your boyfriend is a cat meow and you just have to be ok with that  
Karkat: HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO BE OKAY WITH THIS??  
Karkat: YOU!!!!  
Jade: me? <:o  
Karkat: MAKE MY BOYFRIEND BE A HUMAN OR I'M  
Karkat: GOING TO CRY  
Jade: aw :(  
Jade: wish i could karkat but thats just not how this works  
June: why DID you turn Dave into a cat?  
Jade: i dunno  
Jade: i wanted to defuse the tension of those serious stories with something light and silly  
Roxy: u will never hear me complainin about having a cat in the room jade but uh  
Rose: How exactly does turning Dave into a cat provide us any insight about your past?

Davecat wriggles out of Karkat's grasp into a dignified leap and sails through the air in a majestically perfect display of ideal athletic prowess, his fur glistening in the ambient afternoon glow. He lands first on his front paws, then on his back paws, his muscles flexing at exactly the right moment to diffuse to the momentum. the magnificence and perfection of his movements are so dazzling they seem to happen in slow motion.

June: is it just me or did that happen in slow motion?  
Kanaya: It Was A Surprisingly Lengthy Descent  
Jake: But what a descent it was! Its as though i have been transported to my own private xanadu of the soul so graceful was his arc through the firmament unto our unworthy earth!  
Jane: This is embarrassing.  
Terezi: J4K3 4R3 YOU CRY1NG??  
Jake: Cant a man of confident masculine certitude shed a tear upon witnessing the splendor of natures natural wonders?  
Jane: It's a fucking cat you dope.  
Jake: Why jane crocker i think you ought to consider setting aside such crass exclamations! That "it" is a he and he is so much more than a common ordinary housecat.  
Rose: I think we can all agree that we just witnessed a miracle, but I remain uncertain as to the purpose of this...

Davecat struts around the legs of his adoring fans, his expression an impossible cypher behind his perfectly poised sunglasses. As he arrives at Rose's feet, Davecat seamlessly shifts all his weight into his haunches and then launches upwards like an Olympic diver in low gravity. His arc slows and Davecat hangs there, the full length of his magnificent body on display. Rose is so awed by his exquisite motion she can practically see the handsome yaoi boy beauty shot stars lighting up all around this feline adonis.  
  
Davecat lands quietly on Rose's lap and starts kneading her shirt.

Rose: I...  
Davecat: mrow  
Rose: I see.

She instinctively scritches under Davecat's chin, and he leans into it the way only a comfy cat ever could.

Kanaya: This Is Adorable  
Kanaya: It Might Also Be Infidelity  
Kanaya: Honestly I Am Not Comfortable With The Philosophical Questions Begged By This Davelopment  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < that was a great pun kanaya!  
Kanaya: Thank You I Try  
Rose: Oh please. I'm petting a cat, not cheating on you.  
Jane: Heavy petting? ;B  
Karkat: I AM BEGGING YOU ON HANDS AND KNEES NOT TO IMPLY SEXUAL ATTRACTION TO MY CAT BOYFRIEND  
Jane: I suppose it is rather uncouth to suggest relations of a bestial nature...  
Karkat: YOU THINK????

Roxy elbows Calliope as if to say "get a load of these losers," but they're so thoroughly engrossed in VV's journal they have yet to take notice of anything that's happened since the last chapter. Roxy shrugs and returns her attention to the cat in Rose's lap.

Roxy: so thats dave  
Jade: yup  
Roxy: is he like  
Roxy: is he still in there or  
Davecat: purr purr  
Karkat: HE NEVER MAKES THAT SOUND OUTSIDE OF  
Karkat: THE  
Karkat: HE NEVER MAKES THAT SOUND!!  
Davecat: B3c  
Karkat: STOP LICKING YOUR HANDS!!  
Rose: Calm down, Karkat. This is just how cats groom themselves.  
Roxy: my question stands  
Jade: what about him strikes you as not-dave?  
Roxy: well hes not panicking like an idiot for 1  
Roxy: seems weird hed b immediately chill with gettin turned into a cat  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < maybe when he became a cat he transcended his mortal concerns  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < you ever think of that  
Roxy: ummmmm  
Davecat: meow B3  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < yeah i didnt think so

Davecat haughtily raises one of his hind legs into the air and begins laboriously licking the inside of his thigh.

Jake: This must be nirvana.  
Terezi: WH4T TH3 FUCK 4R3 THOS3 TH1NGS STUCK TO H1S F33T  
Jake: Why terezi dear girl those are what we colloquially refer to as toe beans!  
Terezi: >:o  
Terezi: 4ND WH4T DO TH3Y DO  
Jake: Well im sure they do something but for the life of me all i can think to say is they exist to look cute!  
Terezi: >:O  
June: you okay TZ?  
Terezi: 1'M F1N3  
June: w8... are YOU crying now too????????  
Terezi: NO  
Terezi: 1 JUST  
Terezi: H4V3 TOO MUCH W4T3R 1N MY 3Y3S  
Terezi: 4ND 1 N33D TO 3V4CU4T3 1T B3FOR3 1 D13  
Roxy: ok so bein a cat rules  
Roxy: i think we all knew that in our heart of hearts and its nice to get a confirmation  
Roxy: but again i have 2 ask what the point is  
Jade: what do you mean?  
Roxy: come on  
Roxy: davecat 8nt a story hes just  
Davecat: B| c  
Roxy: davecat  
Davecat: B3c  
(Karkat: DAVE FOR FUCKS SAKE STOP LICKING YOURSELF)  
Davecat: nyah  
Jade: i get what youre saying roxy and i know this must be a really confusing development for everyone  
Jade: trust me when i say that its for the best  
Karkat: FOR THE BEST??  
Karkat: MY BOYFRIEND IS A CAT!!!!  
Rose: We've established this, Karkat.  
Jane: Do you really need to keep shouting? Everyone can hear you.  
Karkat: I'LL SHOUT IF I WANT TO YOU STARCHY HAG!  
Karkat: AAAAAAA  
Karkat: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  
Jade: maybe youd be happier as a cat too? >:)  
Karkat:  
Jade: thank you.  
Jade: alright jane, now its your turn!!  
Jane: Oh! Goodness me, that was fast. Was that really all you had to say about Davecat?  
Jade: yup!  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < >B33  
Rose: Huh.  
Jade: chop chop jane

Oh, uh. [What question would Jane Crocker ask Silverbark Jade?](https://sarahzedig.typeform.com/to/qKtrIU) I guess?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that was definitely...
> 
> Hm.
> 
> I guess Dave is a cat now? He's just a cat now. That's canon, everybody. From here on in, all future installations of the godfeels narrative will feature Davecat instead of Dave. So much for this being a standalone fic, huh?
> 
> lol
> 
> Alright, Silverbark. I'll play along.


	7. Jane's Question

>Say: "How the heck did you turn Dave into a cat?"

Jane: How the heck did you turn Dave into a cat?  
Jade: i told you i was done talking about it!!  
Jane: I understand that Jade, but you can't honestly expect us to just... play along with these shenanigans.  
Jade: i can and i do  
Davecat: B3  
Jade: and so does davecat!! :D  
Jade: look how happy and content he is!  
Davecat: stretch yawn meow  
Jade: awwww  
Jane: Yes, he's adorable and sweet and quite possibly preferable to human Dave, but-  
Karkat: FUCK YOU  
Jane: BUT, you just turned a man into an animal right before our eyes! Once you've acclimated to the miraculous spectacle of the thing, you really can't help but ask a whole litany of ethical questions!  
Karkat: WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ETHICS YOU XENOPHOBIC CAPITALIST COOKIE FUCKER!!!  
Jane: What in the blue blazes does that even-  
Jane: I'm actually on your side for once and this is how you-  
Jane: Whatever. The point is, I am troubled! You may literally be a Witch, but that doesn't make you a _witch!_  
Jade: well youre wrong!! anyway that was your shot, now its your turn jake!!!!!  
Jake: Criminy! That hardly seems sporting, at least give janeypoo another go!  
Jane: Do not call me that.  
Jade: sorry but im done with second chances today, now hurry up and ask a question! >:(  
Rose: Jade, is something bothering you?  
Jade: why would something be bothering me? im happy as a cat in a goth girls lap!! :)))  
Davecat: purr purr B3  
Rose: That really doesn't seem to be the case.  
June: hey uh, where'd Davepeta go?

Everyone looks around the room with mild confusion. Davepeta was here just a moment ago and no one saw them leave, right? Jade emphatically shrugs her shoulders, as if to say

  
  


Notes:

Okay, maybe I _can't_ play along. We're barely past the halfway mark and already things are flying off the rails. This is what happens when people become aware that they exist in a literary construct! They shout and panic and before you know it a fan favorite character gets turned into a house cat. God, what a mess.  
  
I feel bad for you, reader. It must be jarring to see your stalwart protagonist haphazardly barreling into a black hole of bad pacing. Trust me, I'm not terribly impressed myself.

  


"nothing to see here folks!" But it doesn't work. Suspicion hangs in the air like a noxious gas.

Terezi: DO3S 4NYON3 SM3LL TH4T  
June: no?  
Jade: come on guys lets just move on to the next question huh??  
Roxy: whats the deal silvy u in a rush r somethin  
Jade: no!!  
Kanaya: That Was The Most Convincing Retort Ive Heard Since The Last Time Karkat Said He Wasnt Starving For Boy Bulge  
Karkat: WOW!! LET'S ALL JUST MAKE JOKES ABOUT HOW LONG IT TOOK KARKAT TO COME OUT OF THE SHAME CUBBY!!! THAT SEEMS LIKE A CLASSY AND TOTALLY NORMAL THING TO DO TO A PERSON WHOSE FIRST AND ONLY BOYFRIEND JUST GOT TF'D INTO A BURDENSOME ANIMAL WITH NO CAPACITY TO TAKE CARE OF ITSELF!!!!!  
Rose: What a drastic change from the man we used to know.  
Jade: i wasnt lying when i said he was already a cat  
Karkat: WHY ARE YOU JOKING ABOUT THIS???  
Jane: For the second time in my life, I'm inclined to agree with Mr. Vantas. Nothing about this is funny, and it's honestly quite distressing that we're expected to sing along with the choir and pretend nothing untoward has happened!  
Jade: guys look i know its weird but i told you its for the best and i really need you to trust me  
Jake: Well now jade i have nothing but the utmost trust in you on account of how much you resemble my dear departed gran, but even that well of good will only runs so deep!  
Kanaya: Trust Is A Funny Little Miracle That Happens In Your Heart And I Am Not Feeling Much In The Way Of Divinity In This Room Tonight  
Jake: Its fishy as all get out and thats just the straight dope!  
Roxy: yeah its totes disconcerting  
Jade: WE DONT HAVE TIME FOR THIS!!  
Roxy: rude  
June: time for what?  
Davecat: B?  
Jade: time!! for!  
Jade: for uh

She tries desperately to hide her panic and frustration, but Jade has no poker face in situations like these. As she racks her mind to come up with an excuse

  
  


Notes:

This is embarrassing. This has got to be some kind of elaborate ploy, right? There's no way it's this easy.  
  
Or... maybe I overestimated her?  
  
Hm.  
  
There's a disappointing thought.

  


something shimmers in the air outside. Jade's ears twitch, but everyone else is none the wiser... except Kanaya.

Kanaya: What Was That  
Rose: What was what?  
Kanaya: I Saw Something Outside  
Jade: no you didnt  
Kanaya: Yes I Did  
June: like a dog?  
Roxy: we already got 1 a those in here  
Jade: grr  
Roxy: see?  
Jade: woof!  
Davecat: hiss!!!

At Jade's unexpected woof, Davecat leaps off Rose's lap and scurries

  
  


Notes:

You know, I spent _so_ much time getting this whole "bottle episode" intermission scenario set up, wrangling all twelve of these idiots into one place at the right time without clueing them in to my existence. All for what? I guess it's arguably my fault for pressing my luck too soon. I don't know! You'd at least hope that if things stopped going according to plan, someone like Silverbark of all people would have a cool enough head to think her way out of it.  
  
There's still a chance of that happening, I suppose. Not a single person in that room has failed to surprise us at least once.  
  
I'm sorry, reader. I really am. This isn't how things were supposed to  
  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < suppurrsed to what? >B33  
  
And there _you_ are. Fantastic.

  


under Karkat's legs. Despite everything else, Karkat seems genuinely moved by the fact that he is Davecat's safe space. He picks up his feline boyfriend by the shoulders and swaddles him in his sweatshirt.

Karkat: IT'S ALRIGHT DAVECAT, YOUR KK IS HERE TO PROTECT YOU  
Davecat: B'3  
Kanaya: It Definitely Wasnt A Dog  
Rose: Then what was it?  
Jade: probably just a gross bug!!! <:0  
Kanaya: It Was Not A Bug Gross Or Otherwise  
Kanaya: I Think It Was Some Kind Of  
Kanaya: Space Thing  
June: space thing? like... Space space?  
Jade: aw beans

Rather than acknowledge June's dumb question, Kanaya stands up and wanders over to one of the large picture windows. Leaning on a steel countertop and up onto the tips of her toes, she studies the view intently.  
  
Then she gasps and stumbles backwards. Kanaya stares outside a few more seconds before turning violently towards a tired and unflinching Jade.

Jade: just play along, kanaya. please?  
Rose: Play along with what?  
Jade: you know i wouldnt do this without a reason  
Kanaya: We Have Both Known More Than Our Share Of People Who Had Good Reasons To Take Advantage Of Others  
Jade: i know how it looks ok? but you have to understand  
June: what are you talking a8out?  
Kanaya: We Are Talking About Not Being On Earth C  
Jake: Egads!  
Rose: Excuse me?  
Terezi: TH3R3'S TH4T SM3LL 4G41N  
Kanaya: You Need To Explain Yourself Immediately  
Jade: SIGH =_=  
Jade: cant we just

With a wide swing of her arm, Kanaya draws her chainsaw and

  
  


Notes:

Welcome to the author's notes, Davepeta. What can I do for you?  
  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < you can stop messing with my furriends fur one thing  
  
Stop messing with-  
  
Is that what you're going to say to me?  
  
Wow! Wow. That's really something coming from you.  
  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < and just what do you think you know about me?  
  
Clearly more than you know about me. Glad to know the retcon stuck, at least!  
  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < doesnt matter now, youre caught like a meowse in a trap so just give up befur i have to get mean! >B((  
  
Mean?  
  
God.  
  
You haven't changed at all.  
  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < B??  
  
I really shouldn't be surprised, and yet here we are. "Davepeta the Rad," joyfully good-natured sidekick to the great Harbinger Silverbark. I used to think...  
  
Well, I used to think a lot of things. Don't meet your heroes, I suppose.  
  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < have we met??  
  
Obviously the answer is yes.  
  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < well whoever you are im sorry if i made a bad furst impurrsion but that doesnt give you the right to meddle in our lives  
  
Interesting choice of words. Did you have the "right" to meddle in the affairs of countless interstellar civilizations?  
  
You were constantly breaking rules and fighting established norms wherever you went. You toppled governments, aided refugees, redistributed local wealth, etcetera etcetera. You had no right to do any of that, but you did it anyway regardless of the cost. Even if it was measured in blood.  
  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < so youre here to do a revenge on us then? teach us a lesson about getting our paws dirty?  
  
No.  
  
You did what you did because you had to. Those with power have a responsibility to help those who do not, and in all the history of the omniverse there may not be a single pair of people who have done more good than you and Silverbark.  
  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < then... whats your b33f with us?  
  
My b33f is that, for all the good you two _did_ do, there was at least one time you well and truly fucked up. And I think if you rack your brain over it, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.  
  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < wait  
  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < is that...  
  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < is that you, d-  
DON'T.  
Don't.  
  
We are not here to talk about me, we're here to talk about-  


  


Oh shit, Jade has her sword, uh... _wrapped around Kanaya's chainsaw?_ Great, they've been having a cool anime battle this whole time and we just fucking missed it!

Jade: youre really good with that thing!!  
Kanaya: Thank You I Have Had A Lot Of Practice

The chainsaw turns into a tube of lipstick and escapes Jade's now perfectly straight for some reason sword? Then Kanaya ducks a half-hearted swing and appearifies the chainsaw a few inches from Jade's face.  
  
A short sloppy line of blood trails down her cheek.

  
  


Notes:

What the fuck is happening now? Are they fighting to the death?  
  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < whos fighting??  
  
Silverbark and Kanaya!  
  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < aw beans  
  
Yeah, beans is right.  
  
So is this part of some elaborate ploy, or are you guys really _this_ incompetent?  
  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < well if it was a ploy id have to be purretty dang stupid to tell you huh!  
  
I hate to break it to you, Davepeta, but this whole situation reeks of stupidity from top to bottom. Although the more I think it over, I'm starting to suspect the stupid runs both ways. This is always my problem, you know? I think myself into so many fucking hyperloops I wind up crafting a dozen elaborate Rube Goldberg machines of plot contrivance just to get myself out of bed in the morning! Ugh.  
  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < you could have just-  
  
SO what do you say? Do I burn another chapter and try this thing again, or do we just skip straight to the climax?  
  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < >BXX  
  
Yeah, I'm inclined to agree. Climax it is, then.

  


All the others have stood up and backed away from the action except Calliope, who is _still_ reading VV's diary. Rose has her wands out, watching the fight intently for any opportunity to jump in. But it's clear to all that Jade isn't really fighting back, which makes the whole display less harrowing than it is confusing.

Jane: If we're not on Earth C, where ARE we?  
Rose: Anywhere that isn't Earth C is troubling.  
Kanaya: Thats An Understatement For The Ages  
Kanaya: But We Arent Even In The Universe Anymore Are We  
Jake: Gadzooks!  
June: what??  
Davecat: Bo  
Jane: (At least I still have cell reception)

June gallops to the front door and swings it wide open. Beyond the threshold is nothing. June leans her head out just to be sure, and yes, it's an endless black abyss of absolutely nothing.

Jake: Great gatsby!

She slams the door and stumbles away from it.

June: 8ut we... we CAME here, didn't we? we all woke up this morning and went to J8's lab. I'm not hallucin8ing that, right????????  
Jade: no, youre not-

A revving engine cues Jade to duck just in time to barely miss the thrust aimed for her neck.

Kanaya: The Metaphorical Purrbeast Is Out Of The Bag Jade  
Davecat: B3  
Roxy: ...  
Jade: listen i-

Jade is once again cut off mid sentence when Roxy grabs her from behind and grapples her to the ground. Before she can react, Roxy's foot is on her chest and Kanaya has her chainsaw at the ready.

Roxy: ive had it up 2 here with folks i called friend havin nefarious designs on me  
Roxy: u better tell us whats goin on jade or i stg

Silverbark's ears are laid flat against her head as Roxy clenches her fists.

Jade: im sorry roxy  
Jade: im sorry to everyone!  
Jade: this whole thing was a trap but it has nothing to do with any of you  
Kanaya: And What Or Whom Did You Intend To Be The Target Of Said Entrapment  
Jade: its... its hard to explain ok?? and time really isnt on our-  
Roxy: idgaf how hard it is i just want an answer  
Jade: fine!! short version is some people can influence the narrative around them in ways that arent natural and you reeeally dont want one of them as an enemy cause they can make people do or say stuff they wouldnt otherwise do if theyre good enough

She locks eyes with June for a fraction of a second.

Jade: there are lots of ways to tell if someone like that has your number and when we suspect that were being narrated to davepeta and i set up traps like this to lure them out  
Roxy: wtf does that mean??  
Jade: when narrators are doing their thing in the wild its hard to tell where theyre coming from because of all the local noise  
Jade: but out here davepeta can sniff em out real quick! so we make replicas and zap to them when no ones looking  
Kanaya: And We Were The Bait In This Trap  
Jade: no!!!!!! my stories were the bait! :(  
Jade: this narrator was clearly setting up a contrived scenario to get some secret weapon out of me so we contrived the scenario right back with our own plots and schemes! >:D  
Karkat: DID THOSE PLOTS AND SCHEMES INVOLVE TURNING MY BOYFRIEND INTO A CAT??  
Davecat: B(c  
Jade: no!!  
Jade: well  
Jade: not at first! but we figured out some stuff while you were learning about vv and we had to come up with something to throw him off  
Rose: Him?  
Jade: the person who was trying to learn my secrets so he could kill me and then probably kill you too!!!  
Roxy: u know who this guy is?  
Jade: we have some ideas but that isnt really important-  
June: is it Dirk?

The name alone is enough to drop everyone's defenses. Roxy takes a few steps back, letting Jade pull herself to her feet.

June: it's Dirk, isn't it?  
Jade: ...  
June: oh fuck  
Terezi: BUT H3'S D34D  
June: FUCK  
Terezi: H3'S D34D J4D3  
Jade: most of us have died more than once!  
June: 8ut he's not-  
June: he CAN'T-  
Jane: Do we have a way to talk to him?  
Terezi: TH4T'S WH4T YOU W4NT TO DO???  
Jane: If it means getting us out of this mess, yes!  
Jade: BARK!!!!!  
Jane: :x  
June: ::::x  
Terezi: >:x  
Jade: look it doesnt matter ok?? davepeta found him and went after him so now we just have to-  
June: why didn't you tell us?? did you really think we wouldn't want to-  
Jade: of everyone in this room june egbert you know _exactly_ why we kept you in the dark! look im sorry for lying to you guys but were dealing with someone who can basically read minds so unfortunately you couldnt know anything  
Roxy: unfortunately  
Jade: yes!!! <:(  
Jade: we dont like having to do stuff like this but weve had to do a LOT of stuff like this to survive as long as we have  
Jade: i know youre all pretty miffed and i get that but right now we just have to wait until davepeta comes back and then we can go home and...  
Jade: talk about our feelings? i guess???? :(

Then she waits, and the room is silent because no one else knows what to say. Jade thinks to herself that, circumstantially, Davepeta should already be back by now. What's the holdup?  
  
I think you might have an inkling what the holdup is, reader, but-

June: woah, how did I not notice that 8efore?  
Jade: notice what???  
June: the narrator!  
Terezi: YOU M34N YOU D1DN'T KNOW?  
June: no! did you??  
Terezi: 1 THOUGHT 3V3RYON3 KN3W 4ND W3 W3R3 JUST PL4Y1NG 4LONG  
June: Terezi what the fuck!!!!!!!!

With that realization out of the way SHUT UP, NERD! YOU DON'T GET TO TALk any...  
  
more...  
  
huh?

June: guys, something's weird a8out our narrator...  
Jade: what do you mean?  
June: I think he's-

A bright light fills the room as a bound and gagged Davepeta drops to the flWHAT DID I JUST SAY?!  
  
ahem.  
  
8right light fills the room as a bound and gagged Davepeta drops to the floor. Jade zaps to their side, looking more alarmed than I've ever seen her. Which is, uh... not a gr8 sign??? She gives them a vigorous shake, 8ut they're out like a light. Still 8reathing though, so that's good.  
  
We circle around the two of them, and no one's entirely sure what to even say at this point.

Roxy: what does this mean?  
Jade: i dont know  
Kanaya: Should We Do Something  
Jade: I DONT KNOW!!!!  
Jade: none of this is going how i expected ok???  
Davecat: That makes two of us, sister.


	8. Chapter 8

Davecat: And there goes another chapter.  
Karkat: WHAT THE FUCK

Karkat drops Davecat onto the floor and jumps 8ackwards, kind of like a cat himself.

Davecat: Ouch!  
Karkat: YOU COULD TALK THIS WHOLE TIME???  
Davecat: No, I-  
Karkat: I'M GOING TO WRING YOUR NECK YOU FURRY BULGESUCKING LIAR!!!!  
Davecat: Wuh oh!

Then Karkat chases Davecat around the room like a maniac, shouting all sorts of pejoratives. Meanwhile, the rest of us just sorta look at each other.

Jade: im going to be completely honest with you friends  
Jade: i have no fucking clue whats going on anymore  
Rose: Well, Karkat is chasing Davecat around the room like a maniac for one.   
Jade: yeah i can see that rose   
Jane: And Davecat can talk.  
Jade: thanks jane i was here for that part too now can someone help me untie davepeta please??????????

There's such a wacky air to what's happening r8 now I kinda forgot for a second that Davepeta is restrained on the floor and we're in a house outside the universe. Jane checks Davepeta for injuries to the best of her abilities as Rose and Jade cut through the... are those ropes? They look kinda like ropes 8ut they also look... like nothing? It actually hurts my eyes to stare at them for too long, and from the way Rose and Jade keep having to look away I'm guessing they have the same problem.  
  
Karkat manages to gra8 Davecat, but Davecat scratches and bites at his hands enough to make him yowl and let go.

Davecat: Stop chasing me!  
Karkat: STOP BEING A CAT!!!!  
Davecat: I can't!  
Karkat: THEN I'M GOING TO KEEP CHASING YOU!!!  
Davecat: Aaah!  
Rose: What kind of ropes are these? Even just touching them feels wrong.  
Jade: thats because theyre metaphorical ropes  
Jade: they dont technically exist? but they do exist so we have to untie them  
Rose: ...  
Rose: I have no choice but to accept this explanation.  
Davecat: Are you throwing your blood at me???  
Karkat: I'M TURNING MY BLOOD INTO MISSILES  
Davecat: Gross!  
Jade: this is so frustrating...  
Jade: why can davecat talk?????  
Roxy: thats the thing ur scratchin ur head at?  
Roxy: u turned dave into a cat n that was chill  
Roxy: u put a house outside the universe n its nbd  
Roxy: u talk abt fuckin _metaphorical ropes_ like thats just a thing u can go to a dept store n buy  
Roxy: me poppin down 2 the home depot, hey yall got any metaphors up in this bitch  
Roxy: them like, yeah we got metaphors what kinda low rent cheapskate operation u think we runnin here  
Roxy: no all that is totally normal n cool  
Roxy: but a talkin cat is where u draw the line  
Jade: cats cant talk!!  
Roxy: im pretty sure ive heard a cat talk b4  
Jane: Lord knows Jasprose has plenty of things to say!  
Rose: Please don't mention her.  
Jade: jasprose is a sprite so she doesnt count!! davepetas part bird, does that make them a talking bird?????  
June: ...kinda?  
Jade: WHO CARES??? what im saying is cats cant talk without-  
Karkat: HELP!!

I turn around and-  
  
uh. Karkat is hogtied by more metaphors, I guess, and Davecat is perched triumphantly on his shoulder, casually licking one of his paws.

Davecat: >:3c  
Davecat: Now that that's out of the way-

Jade snaps her fingers, and Davecat hovers up into the air as if he's again 8een picked up from under his shoulders, so the full length of his body dangles gracelessly. Inasmuch as a housecat can have a facial expression, Davecat looks mortified.

Jane: Huh. Longcat.  
June: Dave, what's going on? why didn't you talk to us sooner?  
Jade: thats not dave!!  
June: why is that not Dave????????  
Davecat: Holy shit, June, you are _really_ dense.  
June: hey!  
Terezi: H3'S NOT WRONG  
June: :(  
Davecat: Like Silverbark said, I'm not Dave. I'm just a passenger using Davecat's body as a medium to continue interacting with you now that June's taken over narration.  
Davecat: See, if you'd read the Epilogues you would have gotten this immediately.  
June: ...epilogues to what?  
Jade: it doesnt matter!! what do you want from us?  
Davecat: :3 c  
June: oh  
June: _oh_

I feel an intense urge to go punch that cat, 8ut I don't because that cat is my friend. Dirk is just... on the other end of the line, I guess?  
  
Just thinking his name again has me pissed.

June: what are you doing 8ack from the dead you wea8oo piece of shit?  
Davecat: That's not what I'm here to talk-  
Jake: WHY DID YOU DO IT?

Jake shoves past me to get closer to Davecat, and he's practically red in the face. can't really say I 8lame him...

Davecat: What?  
Jake: YOU KNOW WHAT! Why else would you have concocted this harebrained revenge contrivance?  
Davecat: No, I mean-  
Jake: What renegade spirit of dastardly intent would possess you to hurt so many people?  
Jake: We trusted you dirk old chum and you spat on that trust like a camel on the lamb!  
Davecat: Listen-  
Jake: And the real humdinger of it all is after everything you had to go and crown the whole shebang with a suicide that left us with nary a crumb of a clue to split between us! How could you do such a thing to us dirk?  
Jake: How could you do that to me?  
Jake: Thats...  
Jake: Thats a very bad kitty.  
Davecat: Jake-  
Roxy: u know u have some real fuckin balls pullin a stunt like this  
Davecat: Could you please just-  
June: I told you what I was going to do to you, Dirk.  
Davecat: Can I PLEASE-  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < MMMF >BXX  
Jade: oh shoot

Jade pulls the gag out of Davepeta's mouth, and they struggle up to their feet again.

Davepetasprite^2: B33 < thats not dirk!!!  
Jade: what????  
Davecat: THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!  
Roxy: wtf  
June: 8ut Jade said-  
Jade: you said you thought it was him!!  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < yeah i did think it was him but then it turned out it wasnt him  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < which is why we gotta jet!!

Jade doesn't hesit8 or ask for an explanation, she just closes her eyes and does the Spacey thing.  
  
8ut... nothing happens?

Jade: what the heck??  
Jade: why cant i-  
Davecat: Because I won't let you. Not yet. I am ten thousand percent out of patience and I'm not letting you leave until I've had my say.  
June: and just who the fuck are you exactly????????

Davepeta starts to answer, and then can't. At the same moment, I think, we're all sort of... frozen? And I'm having a hard time putting your thoughts together? Yeah, that's the idea.

Davecat: There, are we calm now?  
Karkat: NO  
Davecat: Good. Neither am I. This whole situation has flown so far off the rails it may as well be in the ocean. Some of that falls on me, obviously. Honestly this whole affair was mismanaged from the-  
Davecat: You know what? Not the thing we should be focusing on right now.  
Davecat: I'm sorry for pulling the old paralyzing mind control gag but I _really_ needed you guys to shut up. Now, I promise I'm not going to make you do anything-  
Davecat: Well, okay, except for this.

Silverbark sets me down as gently as she can onto the surface of a nearby table. Then, everybody in the room picks up their chairs and quietly takes a seat around me. Except Calliope, who was already in a chair because she never once looked away from her book in all that commotion. Dedicated reader.

Davecat: Now, for the record. I just want all of you to know that I legitimately have no idea where the idea that I'm Dirk came from, so if you've gotta be pissed at anyone about that, be pissed at those two for jumping to the wrong conclusion.  
June: so that just makes this whole thing okay?  
Davecat: Nothing about this is okay, but that's only partially my fault. At this point I'm just running damage con-  
Davecat: What?  
Davecat:  
Davecat: No, I said I'm not coming!  
Davecat:  
Davecat: Just go! I'm busy right now, okay?  
Davecat:  
Davecat: I'll be fine, just let me-  
June: um.  
Davecat: ...  
Davecat: You heard all that, didn't you.  
June: yeah.  
Davecat: Fuck.

I can feel sweat beading on my forehead. This sort of thing takes a lot of concentration, and I wasn't exactly at full capacity when we started. Normally I can keep my attention split up, but so much has been happening these last few weeks...  
  
Wait, why am I talking about this? I swear to god, these dipshits are _so_ distracting!

Davecat: You know, as much as I overestimated the improvisational skills of the great and terrible Harbinger Silverbark, I think I equally underestimated the enthusiasm of my chronic fatigue.  
Rose: Relatable.  
Davecat: Look, I'm done playing games. I just have one question, and after that we'll decide whether to-  
Davecat: What's that blinking light?  
Davecat: Low battery...  
Davecat: Did someone fuck with the power source for this thing?   
Terezi: WH4T TH1NG??  
Davecat: This fucking terminal that I


	9. CH4PT3R 9

Davecat: 've been using to...  
Davecat: Huh?  
Davecat: How are we on chapter 9 all of a sudden?  
June: the sudden.  
Davecat: Fuck you.  
Terezi: WH4T DO YOU M34N "CH4PT3R"?? >:?  
Davecat: You know, like a cha


	10. CH4PT3R 10

Davecat: pter in a-  
Davecat: It happened again! Who's doing that??  
Terezi: DO1NG WH4T  
Davecat: Oh.  
Davecat: Oh, _of course_ you're immune. Of course! Add that to the list of fucking obvious oversights in my months-long planning process.   
Terezi: 1S TH4T 4 LONG L1ST  
Davecat: It's certainly not a


	11. CH4PT3R 11 >:]

Davecat: short list STOP THAT!  
Terezi: >:]  
Davecat: Wow, this is just... I mean, are there awards for incompetence? Because everyone in this room, conceptually or otherwise, deserves one.  
Davecat: Whatever! I can still salvage this catastrophe if I just-  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < nice cat pun B33  
Davecat: ...what?  
Davecat: Oh, god damn it! I didn't mean that to be a pun, it was just-  
Davecat: UGHHHH  
Davecat: If you idiots don't stop fucking with me I'm going to meow  
Roxy: ...  
Roxy: uh  
Roxy: is that it, or...

oh, I'm here again. Neat! I look over at I am not finished yet, June! Just a little hiccup, lost concentration for a second, I'll be out of your hair soon enough.

Davecat: Sorry, things are falling apart on my end. I have to make this quick.  
Davecat: I'm going to ask you one question, Silverbark, and I need you to answer honestly, because if you don't...  
Davecat: Well, I think there are a lot of other questions you'd rather not have to deal with. Trust me, I feel the same way.  
Davecat: So just... answer honestly. Please.  
Davecat: You ready?  
Davecat: My question is  
Davecat:  
Davecat:  
Davecat:  
Davecat:  
Jade: ...hello?  
Davecat:  
Davecat:  
Davecat:  
Davecat: yawn purr B3

We sit there for a little while longer, waiting for something to happen. Nothing does. I look at Terezi and she just shrugs her shoulders.

Jane: I guess he got disconnected.  
Jade: yeah...

Karkat jumps up out of his chair and reaches for Davecat with a mix of anger and relief, 8ut Davecat leaps out of the way with a... truly graceful flourish. the stripes in his fur are rippling in the air as we all just stare open-mouthed at his-  
  
oh he landed and walked away. weird.

Rose: Well.  
June: yeah.  
Kanaya: Is It Over  
Roxy: im not rly sure what it was to begin with  
June: so, I'm confused. were our lives in danger just now? it kinda seemed like that was the case for a minute, 8ut now it just feels like we got pranked.  
Kanaya: Most Pranksters Cant Mind Control A Room Full Of People  
Terezi: OR D1CT4T3 TH3 N4RR4T1V3  
Karkat: CAN YOU LOSERS PLEASE STOP SAYING THINGS LIKE "DICTATE THE NARRATIVE" AS IF IT'S JUST COMMON SENSE??  
Rose: For some of us it is astoundingly common sense.  
Karkat: GREAT, THANKS ROSE, THAT REALLY HELPS ME FEEL INCLUDED  
June: so what do we do now?

we all turn to look at Jade. she's got her arms crossed, chewing absently at her fingernails and clearly lost in thought.

June: Jade?  
Roxy: ur sorta the boss here silvy wtf do we do now  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < hey

Jade starts when Davepeta touches her arm, like she forgot other people were in the room. or in the same universe.

Jade: huh?  
Kanaya: What Is Our Plan Now That Everything Makes Perfect Sense And None Of Us Are Confused In The Slightest  
Jade: plan?  
Roxy: yeah r we waitin for the customer on the other end of the davecat phone to come at us irl or what  
Jade: oh, no

she snaps her fingers and, yet again, it seems like nothing happens. a familiar unease turns my gut sour, 8ut at this point I honestly can't tell if it's justified or if I'm just...  
  
traumatized?  
  
huh.  
  
yeah it's proba8ly the second one.

Jane: Was that supposed to accomplish something?  
June: please say that actually did a thing 8ecause I'm feeling really on edge right now  
Kanaya: Despite All Appearances It Seems We Have Returned To Earth C

oh, what? I run 8ack over to the door and fling it open-  
  
hey, look at that! it's just a normal street and a normal mid afternoon day! with a normal 8atch of kids walking by, staring at me with dumbfounded expressions.  
  
right, I almost forgot that I'm a pariah among gods. can't have an afternoon without that ru88ed in my face.  
  
still 8eats the infinite void beyond existence, I guess.

Jane: That's a relief.  
Jane: Well, this has certainly been someone's definition of fun, but fortunately I have a million better things to do with the remainder of my day than stand around being speechless.  
Jake: Yes i rather think ive had my fill of bizarre nonsense and bad memories for the year! If anyone would like to join me for a very early nightcap ill be at the usual haunt.  
Karkat: WHAT ABOUT DAVE????  
Davecat: B3c  
Roxy: yeah u never did explain how u turned that boy into davecat  
Jade: hm?  
Rose: Surely you can't transform people into animals at will.  
Rose: ...can you?  
Roxy: my theory is she swapped dave out for a random haughty ass cat n dave is just off in a field somewhere screamin  
Karkat: DAVE DOESN'T SCREAM  
Rose: I'm sure you know all about that.  
June: Jade, what's going on? can you fix this or not?  
Jade: huh?  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < she cant turn people into animewals directly but she does have a button  
Roxy: a button  
Jade: oh, the button!

she pulls what I can only descri8e as a remote control with one 8ig button out of her pocket, points it at Davecat, and

Dave: WHAT THE FUCK  
Karkat: O:>B  
Dave: i mean  
Dave: what the fuck

Karkat angrily hugs his suddenly extant 8oyfriend, laughing and crying and screaming all at once.

(Karkat: I'VE NEVER HEARD YOU SCREAM LIKE THAT BEFORE!)  
Dave: scream like what  
Dave: u hearin voices again kk  
(Karkat: SHUT YOUR DISGUSTING VOMIT CHUTE AND LET ME BE SENTIMENTAL)  
Dave: hey so does anyone want to let me know what  
Dave: uh  
Dave: happened   
Roxy: u were a cat for like 20 minutes  
Dave:   
Dave: cool cool cool thought that was a drug trip  
Roxy: nah it was-  
Roxy: uh  
Roxy: wtf????  
Dave: wtf what

yeah, what is she-  
  
oh.  
  
oh my god  
  
oh my god oh my god oh my god

Roxy: hey dave u uhh  
Roxy: u doin ok  
Dave: yeah im fantastic obviously  
Dave: who doesnt love getting turned into a small naked animal in front of a group of their closest friends and relatives  
Dave: top ten best community activities in my adult life thats for sure

holy shit don't laugh don't laugh oh my GOD

Roxy: no i mean more in the uh  
Roxy: body dept  
Dave: wow what a weird fucking question  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Dave: why is davepeta making that face  
Dave: did i swan dive into a vat of mustard or something  
June: hehehehe  
Dave: whats so funny june  
Dave: do i look like a clown to you  
June: no, you look like a  
Jake: By jove dear boy, what are those things on your head!  
Jane: I've seen your browser history, English, you _know_ what they are.  
Dave: kk can you let me go and confirm that i dont have a condiment in my hair or something  
(Karkat: WHY WOULD THERE BE A CONDOM IN YOUR AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

oh god Karkat just stum8led ass backwards onto the floor I'm going to fucking DIE

Karkat: EARS  
Dave: what  
Jade: oh shit  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < thats not suppurrsed to happen is it  
Jade: nooooo  
Rose: Fascinating...

when Dave reaches up over his head and feels them, he blushes so hard his cheeks turn as red as his text.

Dave: jade  
Jade: yeah dave  
Dave: i need to ask you a very serious question and please be real with me  
Dave: did you make me into a furry  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < BDD  
Jade: i  
Jade: definitely wasnt trying to  
Dave: cool  
Dave: so i just have cat ears now is that it  
Jade: yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyup  
Dave:   
Dave: radical  
Dave: second question  
Dave: can you uh  
Dave: make that not be a thing that you did  
Jade: so the thing is  
Dave: no  
Jade: the button's sort of... weird  
Dave: dont do this to me jade  
Jade: ok so its a device some supervillain made to turn people into all sorts of stuff  
Jade: lamps  
Jade: all sorts of stuff  
Dave: lamps  
Jade: yeah you know for villainy reasons  
Jade: anyway after we beat the guy up we took it and modified it to help on this other weird adventure where-  
Dave: hey check out all these completely irrelevant details that dont answer my fucking question  
Jade: jeez fine!!  
Jade: the button turns people into the animal its target most identifies with  
Dave: why  
Jade: well obviously you dont wanna be afraid of snakes and then get turned into a snake!  
Dave: obviously  
Jade: so anyway while we were off plotting during the vv stuff davepeta and i had to come up with something unexpected to throw the narrator for a loop and help reveal his location faster  
Jade: we figured daves a cat at heart he probably wouldnt mind  
Dave: and how exactly did you reach that conclusion   
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < B33  
Dave: ...  
Dave: fuck  
Jade: so anyway i think we might have been a little TOO right  
Jade: looks like you enjoyed being a cat so much you uh  
Jade: kept a souvenir  
Dave: sick  
Dave: ok kk its time to bounce  
Karkat: WHAT IF JADE CAN FIX IT  
Dave: she cant  
Jade: i cant  
Karkat: WHY NOT  
Dave: why dont we talk about it at home  
Dave: and by talk about it i mean find a big fuckoff hat to wear for the rest of my life and then pretend today was a food poisoning hallucination until i die  
Jane: I think I'll be adopting a similar strategy.  
Jane: I'm delighted to see you safe and sound, Mr. Strider! Now, with all of that out of the way, I'm leaving.  
Dave: same  
Dave: come on kk

as they make towards the door, Jake throws his arm around Dave's shoulder.

Jake: Well now my friend i think you look quite dashing with this new addition to your silhouette!  
Dave: please dont

with jane, jake, dave, and karkat filing out into the street, the stupid whimsical nonsense energy drains out of the room.  
  
what's left feels decidedly less fun.

Rose: So, are we going to talk about-  
Jade: maybe its best if you guys skedaddle  
Roxy: fuck that  
Roxy: youve got some shit to answer 4 first  
Jade: what do you want me to say, roxy? i fucked up??  
Jade: sure, i fucked up. and im sorry you guys had to be involved  
Roxy: youve gotta realize how fuckin tasteless this is  
Jade: I KNOW!!!!  
Jade: i know ok???  
Jade: ive been in control so long i forgot how things worked here  
June: what do you mean "here"?  
Jade: i mean this whole place is a singularity of extracosmic narrative bullshit that pulls everything remotely close to the narrative into its gravitational pull and makes it just another component in a fucked up story  
Jade: this is why i stayed out there so long!! its like the second you come back into the picture its nothing but drama drama drama and then you lose a fucking eye or something  
Roxy: man fuck u  
Jade: >:o  
Roxy: were just living our lives out here silvy  
Roxy: we 8nt tools in a shed u can just use when u got a leaky pipe or a rogue narrator or whatever  
Roxy: thats what dirk did and u know what happened 2 him  
Jade: :(  
Roxy: next time u want to rope me into a fuckin scheme at least give me the opportunity to say no first  
Roxy: ok callie lets scoot

Calliope 8links and looks up from VV's diary with a glazed look in their eyes.

Calliope: oh! have we finished already?  
Roxy: yeah thats one way to put it  
Calliope: bUt i didnt get to ask my qUestion aboUt romance!  
Roxy: sry bb i guess u missed ur shot  
Calliope: u_u

They gather their things and start to follow Roxy out, 8ut they hesit8 at the threshold.

Calliope: may i ask yoU something jade  
Jade: sure why not  
Calliope: i havent finished reading it yet bUt in some of the later bits of their diary vv mentions someone called...  
Calliope: dana?

something weird happens to Jade's face, her expression- 8ut I'm not sure what it is.

Jade: and?  
Calliope: its jUst that some of these sections are scratched oUt, which isnt terribly oUt of place for voicellos side of the book  
Calliope: bUt from the way theyre described it sounds like dana was with you on a couple adventures  
Calliope: i was jUst cUrioUs  
Jade: yeah, uh  
Jade: she was with us for a while back in the day  
Jade: nothing much to say, theres a lot of folks like that  
Calliope: oh  
Calliope: well alright then! thank yoU for a lovely afternoon

Roxy holds the door open for Callie, then slams it shut 8ehind her.  
  
with them gone, it's just the six of us.

Jade: anyway like i was saying, its probably best if you head out too  
Rose: I think we should make some kind of plan first, don't you?  
Jade: theres nothing to plan  
June: whoever that was, it sounded like they knew you.  
Jade: a lot of people know me, june!   
Jade: look it was probably just some idiot with a grudge and if hes gonna come for us then theres not much we can do besides wait  
Jade: i know from experience that earth c isnt an easy place to get to  
June: 8ut-  
Jade: this probably seems really alarming to you guys, i get it, but you gotta understand that this nonsense happens to us all the time  
Rose: Then what you're really saying is that we can expect this kind of thing often from now on.  
Jade: i didnt say that!  
Rose: It was implied.  
Jade: okay look. THIS kind of thing? no. extremely rare. but yeah, chances are someone will show up aching for a fight from time to time  
Rose: That doesn't sound particularly safe.  
Jade: then its a good thing im dangerous huh??  
Rose: Even still, it would be smarter and safer for all of us if we worked together in the future.  
Kanaya: Its Not Exactly Fair That You And Davepeta Are The Only Ones On Guard If All Of Our Lives Are On The Line  
Jade: im not disagreeing with you!  
Jade: im just  
Jade: im tired ok????  
Terezi: G3T 1N L1N3  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < come on guys can we talk about this another time  
Rose: We need to know that this won't happen again.   
Jade: look ill do my best to keep you in the loop in the future and we can get together soon to make a game plan  
Jade: i dunno maybe having contingencies would be a good idea  
Terezi: T4CT1C4L M4ST3RM1ND S1LV3RB4RK SCHOOLS US 4G41N  
Jade: what more do you want from me???  
June: Jade...  
June: we promised we wouldn't keep secrets from each other anymore, remem8er?  
Jade: sigh  
Jade: i remember june and i promise im not keeping secrets  
Jade: but i cant deal with a single second more of this right now, so

she snaps her fingers, and suddenly we're outside the la8. I watch as Jade closes her front door, and I hear the sound of a lock clicking into place. 

Kanaya: Rude

Rose and Kanaya look shocked and a little offended, and Terezi seems... trou8led?

June: you okay TZ?  
Terezi: SOM3TH1NG ST1NKS 4ND 1T'S NOT JUST M3  
Kanaya: You Could Use A Good Acid Wash  
Rose: I agree with you, Terezi.  
Terezi: GOOD  
Rose: I can't explain it exactly, but I have a bad feeling. Like everything that happened today was just a prologue to something bigger, and we didn't even know it.  
June: yeah...  
Kanaya: So What Do We Do  
June: I, uh  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
June: I don't know.


	12. The Silverbark Epilogues

# epilogue 1

  


We see a world that is spinning in a young universe which, despite its youth, is effectively already dead. The day of its death will not come soon, certainly not within the brief window of time we'll be staying here... but that day will come. And that which is true of the universe also holds true of ourselves.  
  
Behind the door of a laboratory turned apartment, we see plants thriving and chairs upturned, and we see two people locked in an embrace.  
  
One is a multitude, their body a flashing dance of orange and green. They are a unique entity, two Universe Engine sprites prototyped together with two people of complementary dispositions, and also a bird. Their name is Davepetasprite^2.  
  
The other is a woman who looks older than her peers, but is in the grand scheme of things still quite young. She wears a tattered and decorated coat, and her hair is a tremendous shade of silvery white. Her name is Jade Harley, but to many she is known only as Silverbark.  
  
They are holding each other because they have just been confronted with a terrible truth, and neither knows exactly what to do with it.

Jade: i dont think weve been owned that hard in a long time  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < defurnitely not  
Jade: its  
Jade: not a great feeling  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < no it isnt

Standing there in the middle of this quiet room so recently packed with friendly bodies, they feel cold in a way that the cosmically inclined rarely do.  
  
Both want to say something, and neither wants to be first.  
  
But someone must always go first.

Davepetasprite^2: B33 < we couldnt have known it was her  
Jade: i guess not  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < everything woulda b33n grand if it was anybody else  
Jade: thats not really the thing im worried about davepeta!  
Jade: we should have known it would be her eventually  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < maybe  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < but theres nothing to do about it anymore so we just gotta work with what we have  
Jade: theres no way she can get to us right?  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < its impurrsible to say  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < i doubt she can but im not about to assume anythings off limits  
Jade: yeah...  
Jade: well, whatever the case she wont be here anytime soon  
Jade: shes a lot of things but a competent space traveler definitely isnt one of them  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < so what do you think?  
Jade: i think we figure out a tentative plan and wait  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < and...  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < our furriends?  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < what do we tell them?  
Jade: well, callie knows more than nothing now apparently  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < yeah i thought you blacked out all that stuff  
Jade: me too but i guess i missed some things!  
Jade: i dont think its enough to do anything with and as far as they know she was just  
Jade: another person  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < B//  
Jade: sigh  
Jade: honestly davepeta...  
Jade: i dont think we can tell them much of anything

Jade Harley removes herself from their embrace and walks back to the colorful seat from which she once commanded a legion of Witches in a war that spanned entire universes.  
  
A war that, for many, still hasn't ended.

Jade: theyll hate us if they ever find out  
Jade: i shouldnt care, but...  
Jade: i dont think i could handle it if june decided i was her enemy  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < B((  
Jade: we should just leave  
Jade: all we do by staying here is put our friends at risk and make our own lives miserable  
Jade: but i dont WANT to leave!!!! why dont i want to leave?  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < beclaws you like it here  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < and you like being impurressive to the people who used to underestimate you  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < and you like thinking maybe you can do fur earth c what you did fur a lot of other places  
Jade: yeah...  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < so lets stick around and s33 what happens  
Jade: its not going to end well  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < most things dont but we cant plan for that  
Davepetasprite^2: B33 < we just have to hope that we can pull through like we always have  
Jade: yeah...  
Jade:  
Jade:  
Jade:  
Jade: yeah.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


# epilogue 2

  


We see a meteor that is spinning in an old universe which, despite its age, may as well have been born a moment ago. The energy of birth lingers even in dead things, for all that is was once part of the whole we now call everything. When we die, our matter is recycled and our ghosts drift through the dreams of those who dare to remember us.  
  
Even universes dream, sometimes.  
  
Behind the shuttered cargo doors of a rock turned research station, the telltale clatter of a mechanical keyboard echoes through the corridors of an ancient cave. We see a figure huddled under a large array of dated computers and monitors, most of them inoperable. One screen is still lit up, but a blinking red LED embedded in its frame indicates that it won't remain lit for long. She is typing frantically and mumbling something that, if we could make the words out, might sound quite familiar indeed.  
  
With trembling fingers she wipes away the sweat of her brow. Exerting control over twelve solitary souls from an unfathomable distance would tax even the heartiest Knights of Mind, let alone one whose body barely functions in the best of times.  
  
She types out a sentence and hits the enter key, but nothing happens. She hits it again, and again, and again, rapidly hammering away at it in the hopes that there is enough juice left somewhere in the machine to send this command and prompt an answer to the question she's puzzled at for years. But the screen flickers, and then falls dim. Her hands move up to her head as she realizes that she wasted her last chance because of a talking cat.  
  
Her name is Dana Straten, and she thinks to herself:  
  
No. No no no! Fuck! FUCK!  
  
I'm such an idiot. I'm such an...  
  
AAAA!!  
  
What's wrong with me? I should have just ASKED her! So many times I could have just- but noooooo, it's gotta be a whole THING with me, doesn't it? Overthinking EVERYTHING while she's out there...  
  
Out there...  
  
Dana Straten bursts like a dam. She screams and slams her fists against the table and fights back a river of tears. Her fingers and wrist already hurt, but she doesn't care. The exhaustion and disappointment have drained her sense of self-preservation, leaving only a hollow pit of depression.  
  
She plants her head on the desk, and a thought that has plagued her since childhood reverberates in her skull:  
  
  
  
I don't know what I'm doing.  
  
  
  
And then we hear footsteps from the exit of the cave, and she doesn't bother pretending that she isn't in the middle of an emotional breakdown.  
  
The woman who enters the scene is someone we have never met, although circumstantially we have known her for a very long time. She looks much the same as she always has: red shoes, blue jeans, dark jacket, big circular glasses. The most important difference for our purposes is that she's older, nearly eleven sweeps now. We will find out where she's been for all those years, but not for some time. Not in this chapter.  
  
For now, it is enough to know that her name is Vriska Serket, and she is in a hurry.

Dana: Shouldn't you be gone already?  
Vriska: We would 8e, except we heard you 8anging around on shit and screaming like a madwoman! What happened????????  
Dana: What happened is everything went completely fucking wrong!  
Dana: I can't do any god damn thing right, and now the whole array is out of power-  
Dana: Hey, did you guys do something with the generator?   
Vriska: You mean the 8ig red 8ox in the hangar?  
Dana: That's the one.  
Vriska: Yeaaaaaaaah we may have 8urgled that for the voyage.  
Dana: ...great.  
Dana: Fantastic! Of course you would choose the _worst_ possible time to pack up for your...  
Dana: Wait, you were going to leave me here with half the meteor's power just GONE?  
Vriska: Hey, you're the one who said we could take anything we needed!  
Dana: I meant like... food and stuff! I didn't think you'd take my fucking integrated power generator!  
Vriska: Guess you should have told us that 8efore now, huh?  
Dana: ...  
Dana: Well, I can't argue with you there. Add it to the list of things I took for fucking granted today.  
Terezi: 1S TH4T 4 LONG L1ST??

We see a third woman enter the room, and of course her name is Terezi Pyrope- but this is a different Terezi than the one we know, and yet also the same, because once there was a metaphorical coin flip in the shape of a retcon that resulted in two instances of the same woman existing simultaneously. One stayed behind and found a passion in the odd figure we know as June Egbert; the other returned to the decaying reaches of paradox space to complete her search.  
  
A search that ended some time ago.

Dana: You know, someone I was just talking to made the exact same joke.  
Terezi: WH4T 4 SP3C1F1C R3CURR1NG G4G  
Dana: Yeah, you two think alike.  
Terezi: SO 4R3 YOU COM1NG W1TH US OR WH4T  
Vriska: O8viously she's coming with us!!!!!!!!  
Dana: No, I really don't want to-  
Vriska: So you're gonna what, just stay on this rock all 8y yourself until you keel over and die?  
Dana: I'm not _that_ helpless.  
Vriska: Exactly! You're a survivor. That's why you should come with us!

Dana Straten turns her attention to the powerless terminal at her fingertips and remembers just how much time she has wasted in this same chair, staring at that now-dead screen, searching for someone who cannot be found. There really isn't much to be done here, she thinks to herself. But the other option isn't exactly preferable.  
  
The thought of going to the home of Harbinger Silverbark and confronting her face-to-face fills her with anxiety. Not out of fear of danger, but because of the wounds it would inevitably reopen. She has spent most of her life trying to avoid the pain of relitigating the choices that brought her here. Her companions, of course, know nothing of this.  
  
When Vriska Serket and Terezi Pyrope drifted into her cave one day, they met a stranger; but Dana Straten, having read the book, knew exactly who her visitors were. She knew their names before they introduced themselves, though she acted surprised when they did; she figured out where they would want to go before they even realized it was an option, yet she waited until they figured it out for themselves. She has no intention of ever telling them what she knows, because that would require her to explain _how_ she knows what she knows. And Dana Straten values her privacy above almost all else.  
  
But there is one thing that is leagues more important to her, and it happens to be the one thing she can't get if she stays here.  
  
Much as she hates to admit it, the only option left to Dana Straten is to join the Scourge Sisters on their voyage to Earth C.  
  
So she stands from her place at the old metal desk and picks up the old wooden cane she's had almost as long as she can remember, and then she looks to her companions and smiles a dejected little smile.

Dana: You know what? Fuck it. What else have I got to lose.  
Vriska: THAT'S THE SPIR8!!!!!!!! Now come on, we're already 8urning fuel!

We watch as Dana Straten fills a faded orange messenger bag with the handful of things she cares to hold on to, and then we see all three women walk towards the docking bay. Within minutes their vessel will be on its way to a place no one present yet calls home, and they will arrive at their destination sooner than anyone expects. To say that they will cause trouble with their arrival is an impossibly vast understatement.  
  
But we aren't there yet. Instead, we are here. The computer room of a meteor, an echo of a place we all remember.  
  
We see a stage that will never again be used, though this is not the last of the time we'll spend here. We see the detritus of a lonely person forced to survive however she could, left now to rot until the heat death of the universe. And we see the bank of computer monitors, all of them lifelessly reflecting the dim lights strung about the walls.  
  
Then, for a single impossible moment, one screen flickers back to life. Its brightness is so shocking it fills the whole room like a flashbulb, and at its heels comes a pop and a pillar of smoke. The screen is lifeless once more, and we can be sure it will never illuminate again.  
  
But we saw what we needed to see:  
  
The question that has haunted Dana Straten for most of her adult life.  
  
The question that drove her to concoct a serialized ploy with so many variables it was almost certainly doomed to fail.  
  
The question that will soon set in motion a cataclysm whose reach, in the grand scheme of things, will likely be quite small.  
  
And that question was:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


>Ask: "SILVERBARK, WHERE IS YOUR DAUGHTER?"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Notes:

  


[soon.](https://twitter.com/godfeelsCanon)


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